SCHOOL: Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives
by Hazel Blackwood
Summary: Lesson 1 in staying alive: don't. What is the point? He has to live up to everyone's expectations, but no one turns to look at what he wants, do they now? So what is the point in living if he has to bear this emptiness in his heart? What reason could there possibly be to live the life anyone else in his world would want to live? [pairing: soukoku] [High School AU]
1. Chapter 1

_Welcome and thank you for wanting to give this fic a try!_  
 _First of, I do not own Bungou Stray Dogs, nor do I own any of the characters present in the story (wish I did)_  
 _Second, a small warning beforehand: as you probably know, Dazai is suicidal and this will be a frequent topic in the story. If this makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you don't read the fic._  
 _The story is rated M for the strong language and mature topics that are being discussed.  
Lastly: I'd like to thank the sweetiepie Kimera (nakxhara on Tumblr) for proofreading the chapters and helping with the general plotline! Some ideas are based on our plots from our role-plays on Tumblr too. _

_Please leave behind a small review with your thoughts. It's all I ask in return for reading the story c:_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Prologue**

His eyes were empty.

The hazel irises and black pupils showed both colors, yet nothing. They represented pain, yet the boy had long since given up on that misery. There was a certain will, fiercer than anyone's, yet they were devoid of love.

It piqued Mori Ougai's interest. What made the boy so empty? There was no child standing in front of him. The boy was a veteran. He already fought a war. He gave his everything during that conflict, so now he wanted to find a different purpose to live.

It wasn't like the boy told him any of this. In fact, they hadn't spoken a single word as the younger stared up at the man in the white lab coat. Mori could see it in his eyes however. His eyes represented his life.

He didn't have one, he was a mere puppet, meant to be used by the evil that was called the adult world.

It was perfect.

Mori extended his hand.

"Do you want a reason to live, boy?" the man in the white lab coat asked. "I can give you one." It was all he needed to say.

The boy took the hand and nodded.

Ever since that moment, Osamu Dazai became an adopted son of Mori Ougai, famous doctor, researcher and politician. He had a lot of influence in Japan, especially Yokohama, their hometown and where the man mostly worked.

Mori taught the boy everything he had to know. Everything about the world, literature, the black market and especially how to survive.

Mori promised the boy he wouldn't punish him like his father did. He wouldn't yell at him. He wouldn't starve him nor lock him up in his room for days… like the one he used to call his parent did.

He would teach him and he would give him a different name, allowing him to toss away the one he received at birth. Mori arranged everything with Child Services. His biological father was not allowed to be anywhere near the boy any longer.

Dazai had accepted the proposal, thinking that was much better than the life he led before coming here.

Little did he know, however, that he was now under control by the enigma called Mori Ougai.

* * *

 **Chapter 1:**

Did you ever visit the Infirmary simply to waste as much time as you could during classes? In all honesty, Dazai loved skipping classes, take long walks through the hallways and outside if he could. He was in his third year of high school and yet he couldn't be bothered less by the final exams which would take place in a few months. He would probably fail them again. In fact, he wouldn't even be allowed to attend them. He missed too many school hours to qualify for the exams.

What was the point in trying at all then? He'd find a job. Perhaps he wouldn't have a legal job, sure, but if he had something challenging, it was even more fun. At least, that was what he thought.

Currently, Dazai was on his way to the Infirmary. Upon arrival, he quickly scanned the room. Miss Yosano didn't appear to be here. She was the school doctor and a brutal one at that. Not a single student managed to avoid her or lie to her. She was too perceptive, too stern to lie to or use an excuse for. The girls gave up long ago whenever they wanted to avoid P.E. by telling Odasaku they were on their period. Oh, Odasaku was the P.E. teacher. Dazai called him by his nickname, Odasaku, but in fact, he was supposed to be called Oda-sensei. Dazai was the only one who always got away with it.

On the bed to his left, there were only two, lay a second-year student, Akutagawa Ryunosuke. He was physically weak and easily caught colds, had a cough that never went away, allergic to dust and the list went endlessly on. Because of this condition, he could take naps during class hours. How unfair was that? Thanks to him, Dazai couldn't come here to take naps himself. Well, he probably could, but he didn't want to in that case.

To his right, on the other only available bed, sat Chuuya, a third-year like Dazai. They were in the same class… ever since elementary school. Honestly, no matter what, the world refused to separate them.

Dazai flopped next to Chuuya on the bed, wanting to poke his bruised cheek, but his hand was slapped away by the fiery redhead.

"The great and fierce Nakahara Chuuya, close to hell because of his length, ended up in the Infirmary because someone finally managed to punch your face?"

That was no exaggeration. Chuuya was strong and had a reputation in Yokohama for never having been defeated.

Dazai put a hand on his mouth, sarcastically and mockingly. "Don't tell me the Small&Furious finally got beaten?! Or is it the 2 Small 2 Furious this time?"

It was then Chuuya decided to kick him off the bed, Dazai stumbling onto the ground, thinking the lame joke had been worth it.

"Prick. I beat him, of course. He refused treatment, but believe me, he looks much worse than I do." A scowl was visible on his half-bruised face, Dazai raising his eyebrows amused.

"So, what? You accepted because you didn't want to ruin that beautiful face?" He pouted playfully, earning him another kick from the fiery one as Dazai swiftly dodged.

"I got detention! All week."

"Nice! Me too!" Dazai said happily.

"Why are you proud of that, asshole?!"

"It means I can copy your homework. Odasaku is often the attendant. He doesn't really care either way."

Chuuya laughed sarcastically. "You wish. You're smart enough to finish everything within an hour. Besides, why do you always get special privileges from Oda-sensei? He's usually very stern with everyone. Why are you different?"

Dazai shrugged. "It's not that I'm different. Most teachers simply stopped caring about what I do. They probably all agreed on it." Well, truth was, they gave him an easy time to prevent putting any more stress on him, which he found laughable.

Chuuya sighed, waving a hand. "Fine, I don't care. It's just that I'll be home late because of this. I can't possibly ask Kouyou-neesan to cook for me. She'll never do that since I got myself into this trouble."

Tilting his head to a side, a small smile played around his lips. "Then, stay at my place. You can cook there, unless you'd like to try my famous chicken hotpot."

"Huh?! Forget it. You're not cooking. You'll poison the entire neighborhood because of the smell only, let alone eating that garbage. I'm cooking."

"Whatever you want, princess," he replied. It was too easy to get Chuuya to do what he wanted, to be honest.

"Where is Yosano-san?" She was usually here. Students, especially first-years, often thought she lived here, which wouldn't really surprise Dazai. If he hadn't known Odasaku personally he probably would've thought teachers really did live at schools. He remembered, back in elementary school, he and Chuuya sneaked into the teacher's coffee-room because there was a rumor they had their own beds, showers and living room there.

None of it was true.

Dazai did drink his first coffee that day while they hid in the coffee-room though. Chuuya didn't like it back then, but Dazai loved it. It made him feel twice as energized. It was epic! He couldn't sleep that following night however… and their teacher ended up scolding them. Chuuya refused to talk to him all day because of that. He blamed Dazai for getting them in trouble with their adoptive parents.

"She was called. She said she'd be back soon, but I don't know when that will be."

Dazai hummed in response and poked his leg with his foot. "It's been three months ever since then," he said vaguely.

Confused, Chuuya turned to look at him. "What do you- oh…" Realization hit him. "Right. That's true." A small blush appeared, making the bruise stand out even more. "Three months since we started… our partnership."

What he meant was relationship.

"Partnership?" A grouchy voice was heard from the other bed. The second-year student named Akutagawa apparently heard them talking. "Aren't you two childhood friends? So, what do you mean by partnership?" He coughed a few times before sitting up and yawning.

Chuuya looked troubled, but quickly turned his expression into an angry one. "We were never childhood friends! He is my rival, got it?! It's important I stay close to him because of that rivalry! Three months ago, we decided on a truce! That's all!" He was trying so hard to deny the truth, wasn't he?

Chuuya and Dazai decided to date three months prior. It happened during an evening when Dazai managed to get hold of Whiskey. How, the world would never know. High school students weren't exactly allowed alcohol after all. They had gotten tipsy, Chuuya being tipsy after a few gulps, Dazai being tipsy after two glasses. What neither expected, was that both were quite honest with each other thanks to said alcohol running through their system. Chuuya confessed to him and Dazai asked him if they could try a relationship. See what it would be like. Chuuya would only accept however, if Dazai was honest about his intentions. He wasn't as low as to be in a fake relationship. He wanted to be genuinely together with him. Dazai asked him to give him a chance, because he wanted to find out what this 'romantic love' was. He didn't really understand it, but all he really did know was that he liked being with Chuuya.

Now, three months later they were still dating in secret. It went well, really. No one else knew about their relationship and whenever they were alone they genuinely acted as a couple. It took Dazai a month to adjust, let alone start kissing him and the like, but now those things were quite normal for him.

In a way, it was pleasant.

Oh, that reminded him.

"Chuuya?" He asked, Akutagawa shrugging and turning away from them to continue his oh so wonderful nap. "Mori called last night. He said he was probably going to invite Kouyou-neesan and you to dinner soon." It would most likely be during weekend, Mori hoping Dazai would visit the mansion he grew up in.

Dazai lived in his own apartment ever since he started high school. He wanted to be away from Mori's control. He wanted to lead his own life, to have something of his own. It went overall well, but Dazai suspected something else.

"He said he needed to speak to all of us about something. He didn't say what, but I think I know what it is." He crossed his legs and gazed at Chuuya, who had a focused look on his face. Oh, and yes, he was still sitting on the floor.

"What is it then?"

"Our… partnership," he simply replied, not seeing why he should prolong the answer. "I think he found out about it."

Chuuya's face grew pale. It was clear the other didn't like it, because he really didn't feel like explaining it to Kouyou, his adoptive mother.

Dazai didn't like it either. Mori already controlled so much of his life, so this was the one thing he didn't want Mori to be able to use against him.

Before they could discuss it further however, a tall woman barged in on her clinking heels. "Who is the next victim?" She asked, a wicked grin on her face. Dazai patted the redhead's leg comfortingly, before standing up and holding up his own hand, as if he was a child.

"Me! I'm on my period, Yosano-san!"

Yosano sighed. "Medicine for your headache it is?"

With a smile, Dazai tilted his head out of curiosity. "How do you know it's a headache?"

"Don't question my skills, Dazai-kun. I know it's a headache." She rummaged in a drawer and gave him a small pill. "You know the drill. Take it with water and some food. Here is a note for your teacher. You have to take it here where I can see you." Because apparently, that was the protocol here. Did that mean students tried to misuse it? He was certain of it and honestly? Dazai had cheated more than once too in the past.

Nodding obediently, the playful smile never leaving his lips, he took it with the water given, took the paper and headed back to his locker, where he could eat some of the leftover lunch he took from Chuuya earlier that day. She never said he had to eat in class, right? So, a detour was in his opinion in order.

While he watched the early Spring sun by standing in the door, he thought of what he was going to do about Mori. Of course, he couldn't be certain Mori found out about their relationship, but Dazai was good at predicting things. Everything he predicted was true. This was probably one of them. Because of it, he was certain Mori had found out and he didn't know whether he should leave it be or not.

Either way, they were going to have to face their adoptive parents about this. It was peculiar and Dazai didn't feel ready to bring it out to the world yet. He still hadn't figured this 'love' out. He had feelings for Chuuya and he learned to express them now. However, he also knew it was the one thing he didn't want Mori to control.

He wanted to have something of his own, this case being Chuuya.

Chuuya was his and his only.

* * *

 **Question: Do you think Mori Ougai has a motive for inviting Chuuya and Kouyou if Dazai's suspicions are right?**


	2. Chapter 2

_Once again, I'd like to credit my dear friend Kimera for proofreading the chapter and allowing me to use a few ideas inspired by our plots on Tumblr for the story!  
As usual: I do not own BSD, nor the characters ^^_

 _Did you know? Reviews are like gasoline, I need them in order to keep myself motivated c: So I will thank you for taking the time to write a small message!_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter 2:**

Do you know the urge to try something you know you shouldn't? The invisible tugging and pulling from that one desire or curiosity as you are unable to control it and hold back? So, instead, you give in to the feeling and allow yourself to try that one thing you should stay away from?

Dazai stared at the sleeping pills, the sound of them clinking against the plastic of the bottle as they fell out and onto his hand. He needed only one, because he knew he wouldn't sleep otherwise. He hadn't slept in over 24 hours already, so he knew if he skipped another night it would've bad consequences on his mind, his very thought process.

However, he grew tired of these pills and if he took one he wouldn't wake up for seven hours. That meant, once he was asleep he would be plagued by nightmares and honestly, they exhausted him even more because they seemed to be another endless battle.

His very life was an endless battle.

When was he going to rest? He didn't want to live like this any longer.

That was when he had the idea to overdose on the pills. This wasn't the first time he would've tried it. He did it before. If he took more than last time… it should work, right? No one needed him in this world. He didn't need himself either. The world was better off without him.

Right… that was right.

He brought the pills to his mouth and swallowed as many as he could. He tasted a bitter aftertaste on his tongue, Dazai holding back a choke while he drank a glass of water right after.

Sitting down on the floor, back leaning against the counter he waited until the pills would take effect, making him feel drowsy and dizzy until he slumbered and finally fell into a deep, dark and silent sleep.

Apparently though, life had different plans for him. He woke up to a seemingly bright light. Groaning, he took his time to open his eyes carefully, taking in the sight. The source of the light had been the sun shining through the window.

It wasn't really a warm welcome in his eyes.

Another sight that was supposed to be welcome but didn't feel that way to Dazai was the two first-year students, Nakajima Atsushi and Akutagawa Ryunosuke sitting by his bed. Akutagawa's expression resembled thunder, whilst Atsushi's resembled the sun outside. That was also pretty much their difference in personality, so how they got to be all close like they were, was a mystery to Dazai.

Atsushi and Akutagawa used to loathe each other, the boys seeming to develop a similar 'rivalry' like Chuuya and Dazai had. However, they were much closer than anyone would've expected.

"Dazai-san? How do you feel?" was the first thing Atsushi asked, a worried frown present under his uneven locks of hair.

"Terrible, of course. Why even ask?" And that was Akutagawa.

"I asked him, not you," Atsushi fired back dryly.

Dazai held up a hand, a small smile present on his lips before Akutagawa could start a discussion with Atsushi. "My liver and stomach are probably doomed anyway, but, yes, I feel terrible for not having accomplished the one lifegoal I actually aspire to turn into reality."

"You know," Atsushi started, "you would've accomplished your goal if it had been trying to live instead of trying to die, but apparently, you like challenges."

Dazai sighed. "Oh, Atsushi-kun. I don't want a challenge. I just want to die without suffering. Is that really so much asked?"

"Yes, so give up on dying," was Akutagawa's answer.

"There he goes again with answering questions that are not meant for him!"

"What? Can't stand it that I had the perfect answer for that question?"

Atsushi wanted to retort when the door opened and closed by Chuuya who decided to make his presence. "Can you two shut up for one second?! Geez, I walk in and of course, you two just have to be arguing again." A scowl visible on his face, no, really, it had to be his permanent expression, he flopped down onto the bed, next to Dazai, carefully avoiding the wires attached to him.

"Such a gentle soul," Dazai mumbled. "But hey, how did I get here?" He looked at all of them, lips pursed as he ignored the throbbing in his head and the pain in his stomach.

"You overdosed," Akutagawa replied as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world, which it was, but that wasn't what Dazai meant.

"No shit, Sherlock. _How_ did I get here?"

Chuuya sighed irritated. "Oda-sensei found you unconscious in your apartment a few days ago when he visited to bring you dinner. He is the one who brought you here."

Odasaku often came by, at least three times a week to bring Dazai dinner. He sucked at cooking himself and he liked Odasaku's cooking, so he didn't mind the other coming by at all, even if he knew the teacher did it to check up on him, making sure he was safe, which he clearly wasn't the night he overdosed.

"Right," Dazai answered, mind empty from clear thoughts. He rubbed his belly while the other three chatted on, explaining things like what the doctor said and that Odasaku left earlier because he had to work. They only just finished classes themselves. It gave Dazai an idea.

"Do you still have any lunch left?" Chuuya always brought two bento's with him after all.

"Huh?" Chuuya replied confused, probably confused about the sudden change of subject. "I do, but, are you sure you want some? You've been throwing up, you know?"

"Yes, and now my stomach hurts from being emptied. I need food." Or maybe he didn't. At this point he had no idea what he wanted. Neither did he care about his wellbeing anyway. "Close the curtain, so the nurse doesn't notice." Did he throw up? He thought he had been asleep all this time. Did he throw up in his sleep? Or when he was half asleep? Funny how one's memory could fail during such moments.

Akutagawa did as was requested, before Atsushi said it might be better if the two left. They still had homework and they got to see Dazai. After they left Dazai opened the bento, wondering when on earth anyone had the time to prepare these bento's. The salmon was neatly cut into slices, different kinds of vegetables filled a quarter of the box as another half of the box was filled with rice.

"Do you really wake up early just to make these?" He questioned as he took a slice of the salmon. "Honestly, I'm impressed. I don't wake up until twenty minutes before school start. That is, if I manage to wake up at all. Whoever invented alarms must have hated the world."

"Just don't eat too much," Chuuya replied, trying to remain stubborn, but failing to do so. He was weak for compliments, really. "I'm not even sure you should be eating this to begin with."

"Who cares, it's healthy."

"That's not a valid explanation, idiot. Your stomach and liver are still recovering, that is, if they can recover from this at all."

Dazai only hummed in return, not really caring one way or another. After a few bites he really did feel full, much to his own surprise.

"Don't pick at it, Dazai," his partner commented before taking back the bento box. He then turned a little so he could face him after he put the bento back in his backpack.

"How was school? The past few days I mean," Dazai asked, resuming to rub his belly as it had a calming effect apparently.

"Boring. And you just had to leave again, didn't you? You were released from the hospital not even two weeks ago! What the hell are you doing here again, you blithering idiot!" Chuuya started scolding him. "You fucking know this year is your last chance at getting a diploma, so why on earth are you messing up again?"

Well, he was right. Why was he messing up?

"I don't care about school. Sitting in a small room with nothing but chairs and tables and an adult in front telling us how we're supposed to think. It's for one all too easy for me and two... I don't know? This world is just too small I think." He was being honest, as honest as he could possibly be with his usual clown mask when they were in public. After all, they were alone now and that meant he could show a truer part of himself.

Chuuya sighed, his apparent anger subduing. "I get that. I mean, if it's so easy, why not rid yourself of it? You can do whatever you want when you graduate. It's all you must do, but for that you need enough school hours so you can be allowed to take the exams in the first place. I mean, you're even in the student council, Dazai."

"Thanks for the reminder," Dazai mumbled.

Chuuya leaned back against the pillow. "There are some guys after Atsushi."

That got Dazai's attention. "Again?"

"Did it ever stop?"

They stayed quiet for a few moments before Dazai rested his head on the other's smaller shoulder. "We're going to have to teach them a lesson then."

Chuuya hummed. "Just let me know when you need me for it." It was normal by now for them to set an example when it came to those bullying Atsushi. Chuuya's bad reputation thanks to his violence helped with it and everyone in the school knew not to mess with Dazai, so he applauded these guys for even trying to mess with their junior.

"Oh, and I received my second strike."

"Your what?"

"It's the second time they caught me wearing the hat."

"Why don't you leave it home then?"

"Dazai!" Chuuya called out offended.

"Alright, fine, damn the school."

"Right."

"Hm."

"Do you really feel the need to appear taller though?" He couldn't help himself, could he? Teasing Chuuya was his favorite pass-time after all.

That was when the fiery redhead turned away from him, Dazai losing his spot on the comfortable shoulder. "I would've hit you if it weren't for these wires." Which was an excuse, Chuuya never did anything that resembled any form of violence during and right after the time Dazai was hospitalized. In fact, he was rather careful and fretful during these moments. And it wasn't only Chuuya. Most others acted more careful around him as well as if they could trigger another suicide attempt all too easily.

It was as if Dazai was a walking bomb and just maybe it was true. Who was to say when his next attempt would be, after all? No one wanted to take the blame for it, which he did understand.

Dazai nuzzled his face in the other's back since Chuuya decided to turn away from him angrily.

"Chuuya's bento was really good. I wish I could eat all of it," he started with his compliments, knowing the other to be weak for them. "And Chuuya smells nice today. Is that a new perfume?" Sometimes, he just had to treat him like he would a lady. Women were weak for men noticing their different attire and such, right?

Chuuya tsk'ed, literally, but his voice became softer. "It's almost as if you want something from me."

Dazai let out a small chuckle before moving up to rest his head on the other's shoulder once again, taking in the smell of his hair. "What makes you think that? Doesn't Chuuya like this kind of attention?"

He did and he knew it.

Chuuya turned back, cupping Dazai's cheek before leaning in. "Oh, stay quiet for a second already." He closed the distance, their lips touching. Chuuya pulled back after a moment or two, touching their foreheads instead.

Humming, Dazai allowed a smile to escape. "Cute," he commented and before Chuuya could make a comeback he leaned in this time and deepened the kiss. It lasted longer the second time before once again, Chuuya pulled back, a smile now present on his small lips too. He turned so he could face his partner better, the hand that had been cupping his cheek now moving to rest on Dazai's shoulders. Dazai, in turn, wrapped his arms around the thin waist, gently pulling the other half against him. He didn't want to wait any longer, so now he touched their lips once more, the kiss more eager and deeper. Slowly, he opened Chuuya's mouth and slipped in his tongue, a hum escaping the other as he pressed his body against Dazai's.

His chest filled with warmth and he desperately tried to ignore the exhaustion and pain in his body. Apparently, this was too much for him to handle, but Dazai liked sharing these moments with Chuuya. In the three months they've been together he learned that it was only Chuuya he enjoyed it this much with. His mind became fuzzy, his lips tingled and there was this numb feeling in his legs he really liked. He wanted more, but he knew he couldn't have it, not now at least.

He broke the kiss, not only because they needed to catch their breaths, but also because Dazai's body reached its limit.

He licked his own lips, chest going up and down rapidly. "I just…"

"You alright?" Chuuya asked, a worried frown present. He sat back to give Dazai more space.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he replied automatically, placing a small peck on the other's cheek. "Visitors' hour is over." Chuuya turned to the clock on the wall, his expression resuming to his usual scowl.

"Well then. I guess that means I'll have to leave you to rest. And you better rest properly, you fucker." Did he always have to scold him, really? He already missed the adorable blush on his cheeks when he looked at him earlier between kisses.

Standing up, Chuuya fidgeted with his school uniform, always wanting to look perfect no matter what. "I'll come by tomorrow if you haven't been released by then."

"With lunch?"

"You wish."

That was a yes.

* * *

 **Reply to the review:**

 _Kuroheit_ : thank you! I'm very excited too and hope you liked the second chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**And another amazing thank you for the review (kuroheit!) and to my dear friend Kimera for putting up with me 3**

 **Enjoy!**

 **And no, sadly enough, I do not own BSD c:**

 **IMPORTANT: A new chapter won't be posted until after the 15th of August. I am on vacation, so I won't be here sadly. So until then!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3:**

Two days later Dazai was back at school. He had been released the day before with the advice to seek professional help. In other words, the same story as usual. They had P.E. class and since Spring had long since started, the gym classes were held outside on the court too.

Chuuya was fretting over him, again, as he always did, while the class was waiting for Odasaku to appear and explain what they had to do.

"You shouldn't walk around like this, Dazai. You've been released only yesterday. You need to be careful! How am I supposed to fight you as my rival if you get sick?!" Funny how he always managed to bring that up in every situation. Chuuya zipped up Dazai's track jacket, muttering a few more complaints before the class was interrupted from its busy chatter.

"Alright, class! Five laps around the court!" Was the announcement from Odasaku. Students mumbled complaints but listened anyway. Dazai waved at Odasaku before starting himself.

They hadn't even finished one lap when Ango, a friend and classmate, decided to give up. He had no good condition whatsoever.

Dazai decided he'd ran enough after two laps, receiving another disapproving sound from Chuuya. Did the other really think he was going to run five laps though?

"Ah, I wouldn't expect you to run more than this, Dazai," Odasaku agreed when Dazai came to stand next to him. "Your body can't possibly be strong enough yet, so take it easy."

"You shouldn't spoil him, Oda-sensei," Ango answered, also coming to stand next to them. "He's only taking advantage of 'just having been released'." Well, he was right.

Odasaku sighed, a small smile appearing anyway.

"Why is it that you call him Oda-sensei at school, but as soon as we're outside, you call him Odasaku. Isn't that weird to you?"

"Because, during classes, we are supposed to call him Oda-sensei. You should try it, Dazai," Ango replied sternly. "And no changing the subject either! We were talking about you and your condition."

Dazai hummed, knowing he couldn't get away with it.

"Listen, you really should take better care of yourself."

"Please, Chuuya already gave me an earful about that."

"No, I mean, the attempts."

Dazai pursed his lips while Odasaku whistled at a few students being too slow.

"Even if those attempts are moments of weakness, you shouldn't give up on life." If only it was that easy though.

He laughed in response. "It's been like this for years. I can't just change that now." It was part of him. He couldn't escape it any longer. He felt the thoughtful glance he received from Odasaku, knowing the other had his own opinion about the matter and so he was waiting for the right moment to reveal it.

"If you need anything or anyone, Dazai, you know you can come to me. I live next doors. I wouldn't like it if you left us, neither would many others. Despite what you think, we all care about you and your wellbeing. But what if you leave? What then?" Then they would be better off without him. They would move on and forget about him.

"We would miss you, Dazai," was Ango's answer.

Dazai turned away, hands in his pockets as he fixedly stared at the exhausted students, most likely cursing Odasaku for making them run so much by now. "Well, I'm flattered by your words, but listen up. I want to make my famous chicken hotpot tonight. You two should come." They did this more often. Spend evenings together. It was a secret really, since it wasn't exactly appropriate for a teacher to become so personal with students, but neither Dazai nor Ango cared about that and treated Odasaku like a friend anyway. They were careful at school though, well, Ango was.

"It's only famous because we were bedridden for three days the last time you made it." Ango had this angry frown on his forehead. Did that guy ever smile? "You're not cooking. Odasaku or me are going to cook. You stay away from the kitchen, please, Dazai." Oh well. At least he managed to change the subject this time.

Odasaku whistled again, announcing the students had done well and that Ango still had to run at least one more lap before he was satisfied. Ango, after all, didn't have a 'medical' reason like Dazai did.

That evening he was sitting around his kotatsu with Ango, the hotpot in the middle cooking the food nicely. Dazai was swaying from one side to another excitedly, not able to wait until he'd get to eat the chicken.

"Patience, Dazai," Ango mumbled as he fixedly moved around the vegetables and chicken in the hotpot. "We still have to wait for Odasaku and the chicken is not ready yet." No matter his age, Dazai really could behave like a child sometimes. It was just easier to be so happy about small and seemingly irrelevant things, like spending this evening with his two best friends. Besides, no one would worry about him this way. They'd treat him normal, like everyone else. He thought it was better that way.

Odasaku walked in, knowing he doesn't have to knock or use a key. Well, he did have a spare key, but when Dazai was home, he didn't lock the door.

"Hi, Odasaku," Dazai greeted. "You're just in time! When is it ready, Ango?"

"Just a bit longer. Have some patience."

Odasaku hung his coat and sat cross legged under the kotatsu. "May I ask why you still have the kotatsu? It's already Spring."

"I like it."

"We all do, but that doesn't mean you can still use it when it's getting warmer," Ango replied.

"Why not?" Dazai looked questioningly at Ango. "It's about the comfort. Besides, today is not a warm day. So, let's enjoy it."

Odasaku let out a sound between a sigh and laugh, perfectly satisfied with the situation as usual. As soon as the food was done cooking, they all began eating, the first few minutes spent in silence, except for maybe Dazai's happy noises.

"You're later than usual, Odasaku," Ango then noted before taking a piece chicken breast. It was his favorite part of the chicken and usually the only part he ate.

Odasaku hummed. "I had a meeting. It lasted longer than originally planned."

"Don't you ever get bored of this kind of work? It's always the same routine, is it not?" Dazai asked.

"It's not as systematic as we might think it is, Dazai," Ango replied.

"Depends on how the day goes. Sometimes it's quiet and I get to leave early and other days it just never seems to end," Odasaku continued to explain.

"Depends on what? How the students behave?"

"Yeah."

"I'd get bored." He thought that was true. He couldn't even begin to think of giving math classes daily. What kind of life would one have then?

"Then what would you like to do?"

Dazai hummed in thought, leaning his chin on one hand. "I don't know. I don't want a boring office job. I don't know." Most things were either boring, too easy or not his thing. He had literally no idea what he wanted to do with his life.

Ango took a handkerchief and wiped his mouth. "You need to graduate this year, right? Or else you'll lose your chance at ever getting a degree."

"Thanks for the reminder," Dazai replied grimly. "I can easily do the exams. I just don't have enough hours being present in classes to be allowed to do them."

"There is one other option though." Odasaku gathered the dishes.

"What do you mean?"

"The state exams."

Ango hummed in response, clearly understanding what Odasaku meant.

"If you don't have a diploma for high school you can still request a state exam. You should have the right if you can't manage to do the regular exams at Yokohama High."

"You have to do it, Dazai," Ango urged. "You won't be able to repeat another year and this gives you the chance of having a diploma after all. You can find a decent job and be admitted to college too." He was always so informative this guy.

"I'll think about it," Dazai said, only because he'd rather end this subject. "The chicken was good."

"Thank you." Ango walked to the sink with the dishes, while Dazai took the glasses and Odasaku started on cleaning the hotpot.

They chatted on about school and Ango's recent discoveries about certain students there. That guy knew everything about any student and teacher. Odasaku warned him to be careful, but Ango said he would be perfectly fine. Crazily enough, Dazai believed him. He was intelligent, more so than the average student and his stealth and ability to find the information he needed was even beyond Dazai's understanding and really, that said a lot.

Any police station, detective agency, lawyer agency, government or even the FBI could use this guy as their informant. He was that good.

Dazai's phone buzzed, meaning he received a message. Opening it, he saw it was from his adoptive father.

 **Dazai-kun, I expect you this weekend at the mansion. And I will know it if you come up with an excuse as to why you won't come. Chuuya-kun and Kouyou are visiting and having dinner with us Saturday night. See you then!**

 **Mori**

Ugh.

Couldn't he wait a few more hours with sending that message? He really wasn't looking forward to it and for more reasons than one. He never liked going to Mori because it felt like he would suffocate in that household if he stayed there for too long. He also didn't like that Mori was going to find out about him and Chuuya if he didn't know already, which was what Dazai thought to be the case. Another reason was the other two children he took in. One of them was Kyusaku. He adopted the boy a few years ago. Only six months ago, he became the foster parent of Elise, with the future plan of adopting her too once the option was available.

They weren't your average children. He didn't really know Elise yet. He never actually met her, only heard about her from Mori and Kyusaku was... well, Kyusaku.

He was mentally unstable and had to spend his days at a daycare combined with a group home. So, he wasn't always home either.

He hadn't noticed he was staring at his phone until Odasaku rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Everything alright?" He asked with a gentle tone in his voice.

"I'm annoyed," was his announcement. He showed the message to Odasaku and after to Ango who started on doing the dishes.

"That's… a bummer."

"Any reason why he expects you there?" Odasaku asked.

Dazai shrugged, leaning against the counter with pursed lips. Should he explain it to them? That would mean he'd break his promise to Chuuya. Then again, these were Odasaku and Ango. He knew he could trust them.

"I think he just wants to control whatever else is there to control of my life."

"Such as? You live here, not in the mansion. He can't possibly always pull the strings whenever he wants. Not any longer, at least." Dazai was already eighteen years old, meaning he didn't have to necessarily listen to Mori, but what a lie that was.

"Chuuya. We've been going to the same school ever since Elementary. I think it has something to do with him," he explained hesitantly, glancing at the both of them to determine what they thought.

"Do you have to tell us something, Dazai?" Ango asked. Both their glares were thoughtful and expectant. Did they have an idea too? Who else had an idea of their relationship already?

* * *

 **Question: What do you think of Dazai's friendship with his P.E. teacher? Do you have an opinion about such matters between teacher and student?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello! Long time no see ^^ I am back and I am almost finished with writing the fic, so for the delay (because of my vacation) here are two chapters instead of one! So, don't forget to click the next chapter.**

 **Reviews fuel me, so don't hesitate to leave those behind either c:**

 **Disclaimer: nah man, i don't own BSD, sadly enough.**

 **And a big thank you and hug to dearest Kimera for always helping me plot the chapters and proofread them for me!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 4:**

"I have to leave," was the announcement Ango made then. He was looking at his phone, the light of the screen reflecting on his glasses.

"Now?" Odasaku asked confused. He gave Dazai back his phone while the two stared at their friend, waiting for an explanation.

"Yes, it's urgent. I'm sorry it has to be now, especially for you Dazai. I'll see you two at school tomorrow." With that he took his coat and disappeared, without further explanation or even so much as a glance.

"Well then." Dazai was about to tell them what the case really was, so he wondered what was so 'urgent' he had to leave them now.

After rubbing the bridge of his nose, Odasaku made a gesture with his hand, signaling he had no idea either. "Let's… sit down, shall we?" Odasaku wasn't satisfied with Dazai's explanation, was he?

Part of Dazai hoped he wouldn't have to say anything further about the matter, Ango's leave having been enough of a distraction to end the conversation, but clearly, he was hoping for too much.

"Now tell me, what's going on?" Odasaku asked after they sat down on the couch, Dazai resting his head on the back and looking upwards at the ceiling, clearly troubled.

"Do I have to?"

"No, but it would be appreciated."

"Right, can't say nothing now." He was obliged to tell him either way. He couldn't leave matters explained only half and vaguely. "I… well, Chuuya and I started dating." Oh, how odd that sounded on his tongue. It was the first time he admitted it to someone else, but it was true, wasn't it? They were a couple, Chuuya was his boyfriend. It was the first time Dazai thought it could be fun to accept Chuuya's confession and behave like a couple. He didn't expect to develop feelings for a guy, for Chuuya nonetheless.

A soft chuckle escaped Odasaku's lips before he apologized for laughing after seeing Dazai's confused expression. "I'm sorry, it's just that I've been hearing so many rumors from students. Apparently, and especially the girls, the students were simply waiting for you two to hook up. Let's face it Dazai, you two don't exactly behave like the average male best friends behave, do you now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that, normally, you don't really expect a guy zip up your jacket because he's worried you'll catch a cold. That kind of thing." After Dazai still didn't get it and shot Odasaku another confused glance, the older man sighed and gave an example. "Can you imagine Ango zipping up my jacket out of pure concern?"

Dazai snorted. "He'd scold you, but he wouldn't come anywhere near you."

"Exactly. You and Chuuya have been acting suspicious like that all the time. Give it up, Dazai, you can't hide it from the watchful students. Teenagers are perceptive, I tell you."

"Hm? How so? Aren't they self-centered and egoistic as adults like to call them?"

"You mean 'us' not 'them', you're still a teenager, despite your age. I mean that, students have a way of knowing other's weaknesses. All the teachers know it and are watchful of it, I tell you. Students have a way of pointing out what makes us think we're weaker. Our insecurities, I mean."

"But I'm not insecure," Dazai said.

"No, maybe you are not, but you are afraid of admitting to these feelings, aren't you?"

Dazai shook his head, not wanting to come anywhere near that thought. "Chuuya made me promise not to tell anyone, so I accepted. I thought it would make school life a bit more fun." Well, this wasn't really the truth. Odasaku was spot on, but Dazai didn't want to think about that. He had enough to deal with in his miserable life already. So, it was time to change the subject, a little bit anyway.

"The problem now is, we didn't want Mori-san or Kouyou-neesan to find out. I don't want Mori-san to find out about it because he already controls everything. Even me living in this apartment is all thanks to him. I couldn't have paid for it even if I wanted to, well maybe I could, but I'm too lazy to actually work besides school." And he was too often hospitalized for anyone to want to hire him.

"What do you mean by 'control', like, owning everything you have or in a different way?" He rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward a little so he could face Dazai, who was trying his hardest to avoid eye contact.

"I mean that, I have to abide by his wishes, his commands, whatever he says is law. That kind of thing." If he listened to Mori everything was fine. Dazai was used to it, because he came from a household where similar rules were in order. He was certain Mori had taken advantage of the way Dazai thought. He only wanted to be away from his father. Mori didn't hurt him, not physically, so he thought that was better, but after having finished middle school he wanted to be away from Mori and his mind control. Not to mention, that man was an outright creep.

"And now you're afraid he'll take Chuuya away from you?"

"Yeah."

"What can he do though?"

"I don't know. That man can get his hands on anything he wants. He'll probably tell me things like marrying Chuuya wouldn't be possible anyway because of the law and that gays are being frowned upon. That I have no future with him at all because it's only high school. That kind of thing. But I don't care about the future. I don't care about what happens then."

"You just want to be with Chuuya now, in the present."

Dazai grunted, agreeing.

"I know better than to question your suspicions, since they are always terrifyingly accurate and you know Mori much better than I do, but are you certain it's about your relationship with Chuuya?"

"Yes." Dazai's predictions always came true, was the saying. Well, he really was perceptive that way. Whatever he predicted became reality, so he was certain Mori had found out about Chuuya. And if the entire school had their suspicions of their relationship anyway, then how hard could it really have been for Mori to find out about him and Chuuya?

"Well, what can you do other than wait and attend the dinner? You can't keep avoiding him, Dazai, as much as I'd like you to anyway."

"The worst is, he always gets away with everything. He's rich and a politician with influence. Famous for his work as a doctor, so Child Services would never even have begun to suspect anything going on in that household." He felt Odasaku's watchful glare, meaning the man had his opinion ready, but apparently, the teacher decided to keep quiet, which was probably better anyway. Anything Dazai spilled about the truth in Mori's household could be used against him, not by Odasaku, but they did say walls have ears, right?

A few weeks after he was adopted by Mori, he read a book about psychology. There was a part in it that explained how familial relationships worked. Mori wanted Dazai to understand 'humans' because Dazai failed to do so back then. He had no idea what emotions to show since he always shut them down and ignored them. So, he had to learn everything from the start and Mori thought literature was a good way to begin. Well, now Dazai knew Mori wasn't exactly a normal human being either.

In that book, he read about the comfort a parent showed. In other words, physical contact was of the utmost importance between parent and child, especially when the child was still a baby. He never received that kind of 'contact' and he didn't want it either, not from his father or Mori. But he did remember the rare moments he got to visit his biological mother in the hospital. The few times he saw her as a child, were the times she did show him her 'love' by stroking his hair, smiling at him and squeezing in his hand reassuringly. However, Dazai never recognized those gestures. He didn't think of them as worrying or showing love. He thought it was what a mother was supposed to do, so he took it for granted. Only then, after he read the book, he realized what he had lost by running away from his father. He'd lost his mother, who was the one person who did show him genuine love. It made him feel guilty and he knew Mori would never show these kind of gestures, not out of good will anyway.

He'd never get to experience that kind of familial love from a parent again.

"Hey," Odasaku spoke up, ruffling Dazai's hair. "It's late and I see you're tired." He wasn't tired, simply lost in thoughts, but he suspected Odasaku knew that, seeking a reason to leave him be, just as Dazai really wanted. He didn't like talking much about his home. It was too… well… personal.

However, the ruffling did throw him off guard, Dazai blinking and staring at Odasaku for a good moment before the older man chuckled and patted his shoulder. "Well, I'll see you at school tomorrow. Don't forget to set your alarm."

Dazai managed to nod, his thoughts scattered and lost while Odasaku made his leave.


	5. Chapter 5

**And the next ^^**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own BSD, hopefully, one day, I will own a published book ;-;**

* * *

 **Chapter 5:**

His phone was buzzing, repeatedly, but it wasn't a call. Someone was sending him multiple messages. Was he late already? Dazai turned in bed and looked at his alarm. He wasn't, he could still easily make it, so who was spamming him? He opened his phone with a yawn.

 **[ From: Atsu ] Dazai-san?**

 **[ From: Atsu ] can you walk with me to school?**

 **[ From: Atsu ] I'm sorry if I woke you up! But it would be nice if we could go together**

 **[ From: Atsu ] We live near each other after all and we haven't spoken much lately haha, right?**

 **[ From: Atsu ] You're still asleep aren't you? Omg, I'm so sorry!**

 **[ From: Atsu ] but wait… shouldn't you be getting ready for school now? You'll be late!**

Right. Who else?

He texted back it was fine, he was awake and would be at his house in fifteen minutes. He woke up thanks to Atsushi's messages, but well, no need to make the younger feel worse.

Dazai went to the bathroom, checked and redid some of his bandages, before washing himself, brushing his teeth and getting dressed. He'd skip breakfast, he decided on a whim, before grabbing his backpack and heading out.

Minutes later he arrived at Atsushi's front door and called for him from the outside.

"Atsushi-kun! Will you come and play outside?" It was usually what children did to call their friends, but Dazai thought it was fun to tease the other with it. After a few seconds, Atsushi appeared, and not with a pleased expression.

"Dazai-san! Please refrain from embarrassing yourself." Always the truthful one, wasn't he?

The older male then noticed the difference today. Atsushi had greyish hair, but it was even more uneven than usual today.

"What happened to your hair?"

Atsushi averted his gaze. "Nothing. Can we go now? We'll be late." They wouldn't be. There was still time until the first bell and they didn't live far from the school. It was a five-minute walk at most, so he did wonder where the strange behavior suddenly came from.

"It's almost weekend," Dazai commented after they made their way through the residence area.

Atsushi hummed.

"Do you have anything planned?"

"I'm going to the Aquarium with Akutagawa."

Oh? "Really? Since when do you two hang out so often?"

"Since you told us to."

"I did?"

"You forgot?"

"Apparently."

"Are you for real now?"

Dazai laughed. "Or not. Two weeks ago, right? At Kunikida's place."

Atsushi let out a frustrated sigh. "Yes, and we really didn't like it either, but what choice do we have?"

Whatever did he mean? "It's not like you're obliged to do as I say, Atsushi-kun." Although it was fun to hear the younger ones thought they had to listen to Dazai.

"Well, you're from the Student Council and a third year. Not to mention you're probably the oldest student."

"Hey, I'm eighteen! Just like other third years! Chuuya turned eighteen… when again? Last month?" He knew, he really did.

"Yes, but you are turning nineteen in a few weeks."

Oh… Now that, he had forgotten. He wasn't fond of his own birthday, for obvious reasons that is. Every year humans celebrated they survived yet another year, but there were also humans who didn't like to celebrate that they're alive? How offending? He did put up with it somewhat though, in case others did hand over presents and such. Other than that, he avoided everyone as much as he could that day.

They passed a crossroad, and as they were still in the residence area where it was usually quiet, Dazai noticed in the corner of his eyes two third years scoffing and walking away. When he turned back to Atsushi, he noticed the younger's shoulders relax quite a bit.

So, that was what was going on…

Chuuya did say there were a few students bothering him again. Of course, as he was the secretary (not a good choice, Kunikida) of the Student Council, he knew who the third years were. They weren't in his class, so he didn't know them personally, but he also knew enough that they weren't exactly fond of those who went along with Dazai and Chuuya. Not to mention, Chuuya's reputation did make Atsushi look even more usable as a target to get back at him and the redhead.

Naturally, Dazai couldn't accept this. Another obvious point would be, that he wasn't going to do this the upstanding, moral way like he was supposed to as a member of the council. He was asked to join it so he at least had one way of wasting his time outside class hours. He refused to join a club, finding it too time consuming and nothing piqued his interest, therefore the only option was to join the council as a veteran who has been walking around this school longer than other students and even newer teachers.

"Atsushi-kun, is everything alright? Those guys were glaring daggers at you." Some would argue how it was unthinkable that such an innocent boy had to fall victim to anyone. Truth was though, Atsushi looked weak. He was by no means naïve and didn't take shit from most people, not from Dazai at least, but he made himself look like weak prey. Predators loved to choose the weak targets.

"Y-Yeah, I don't know what's up with them, really."

"Have they been bothering you?"

"No?"

"You're a terrible liar, did you know that?"

Atsushi stared at the ground and Dazai had to rest a hand on his shoulder to make him stop walking since the traffic lights turned red. A bit startled he looked around, realizing what was going on and then laughed nervously. "I'll be fine, Dazai-san."

The boy just didn't want to trouble anyone. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. Understandable it was, as Dazai didn't like it when people treated him like someone who was weak either, but he really wasn't going to accept these guys pestering Atsushi.

"Did they cut your hair?" Wasn't that a thing girls did to bully another girl?

"Not them," he muttered truthfully. "A girl was with them, their classmate. She did it."

"And they stood by?"

"Yes."

There was a girl involved after all. Perhaps he could ask Higuchi about it. That woman knew a lot when it came to the female students.

Either way, Dazai wanted to teach those guys a lesson.

"I know you don't want me to bother myself with this, but I will do that anyway." There was no point in telling the boy that it was okay to talk to him about it. Atsushi wouldn't, that was the truth. He's been through too much during his childhood to actually open up to anyone about these kinds of things.

Once the traffic light turned green they moved with the rest of the pedestrians.

Another reason why he wanted to deal with them was that Dazai knew they did it to get back at him and Chuuya, so it was his responsibility too, whether Atsushi liked it or not.

During lunch time Chuuya and Dazai were on the roof, Dazai having passed on a message to the bullies they could be found there.

He chose the roof because it was often deserted. Students weren't exactly allowed there, but it was easy to get there if one was a bit careful. Another point was that they were at school, meaning that fighting wasn't allowed. Dazai could use that to his advantage. He wanted to get them into trouble big time and if they were as stupid as they had proven themselves to be in the near past, then he could use his position in the Student Council on top of that.

Dazai was trying to get a kiss from Chuuya, but the other slapped him away because he wanted to focus. Like, please, this isn't a war they were about to fight, but he guessed the redhead didn't want to risk anyone accidentally seeing them, so it was fair enough.

Expectedly, the dumb heads appeared not even five minutes later.

"Let's get right to business, shall we?" Dazai announced while clapping once in his hands, a wide smile on his lips.

The group existed of two students, one scrawny one and one slightly bigger one who had a permanent scowl on his face like Chuuya, only Chuuya's was a bit more graceful and less typical. Weird how he could pull of that combo, right? Only showed there was simply no underestimating the redhead.

With typical he meant putting up the big bad guy act. He supposed Chuuya wasn't 'big' enough for that… better not tell him that.

"You are the ones bothering our junior, Nakajima Atsushi. His hair was cut by a girl you two know?" When the two remained quiet, Dazai moved one with a sigh. "But your business is with us, specifically Chuuya here as I can't see anyone wanting to purposefully beat up a Student Council member. That would be outrageous, right? But even if your business is not with me, then you're still equally dumb." The big guy's scowl grew. "Meaning that you just challenged the strongest martial fighter on the streets of Yokohama." He gestured at Chuuya with his head, now waiting until the other would reply.

The scrawny fellow grunted, but turned to look at the bigger guy. "That's right. We wanted to anger him, alright?"

Chuuya leaned forward, a wicked grin present. "Huh?! If you wanted a fight you could've just said so! I'd gladly give you one, asshole."

"Really, all you have to do is call him short," were Dazai's wise words.

"I'll deal with you after this," Chuuya promised him, none too pleased.

"Yush."

All in all, the fight didn't last very long. Dazai didn't get involved, since he didn't have to, one threat to the scrawny one and he gave up, whereas Chuuya easily kicked the other to the ground. Well, easily wasn't the right word, seeing as it did take him some time to defeat the other without really leaving evidence behind that they fought.

"And remember, if you say anything to the teachers or the Student Council, you'll be the ones in trouble." Dazai happily waved them goodbye while they left, leaning with his back against the wall.

Sure enough, Chuuya hadn't forgotten his promise.

"Listen, you shithead," he started as he approached him with a pointed finger. "The next time you call me short, is the time you-"

However, Dazai didn't allow him to finish his sentence. He closed the distance between their lips. After the first shock, Chuuya calmed down and feverishly kissed him back. Dazai pulled him against him, arm wrapped around his waist and his hand tangled with the red locks.

Chuuya slowly pulled back with a hum, a hand resting on Dazai's chest.

"Well, isn't someone needy," he commented, staring at his lips.

A small smile present, Dazia rested his forehead against the other's and gave him a small peck.

"We won't see each other until Saturday night, since I have to leave after school." To Mori that is. He really wasn't looking forward to that. "And we're alone here anyway."

"But we can't, not here, Dazai. We can't risk it, you know that."

"Your lips seem to disagree," he commented in turn. Chuuya's lips were redder than usual from the kissing.

"Too bad my tongue has the final say."

With a defeated sigh Dazai rested his head on the other's shoulder, still keeping him close as he didn't want to let go of him yet.

The redhead's hand went up to softly comb through his hair. "So, tomorrow, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think he'll disapprove?"

"I don't think he will do much, to be honest. Not yet anyway."

"What do you mean?"

Dazai shrugged. "Not sure yet. I guess we'll find out tomorrow." At least, he would.

* * *

 **Did you like the chapters? Is there anything you'd like to point out, small details you liked or disliked? Don't hesitate to tell me your thoughts~**


	6. Chapter 6

**And we're finally at the part (I hope) you have been waiting for ^^**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it.**

 **Kimera, bless you for proofreading all the chapters!**

* * *

 **Chapter 6:**

"Try again," Mori ordered with a calm tone which was meant to be gentle but was devoid of any particular emotion. It was Friday evening and Dazai has only just arrived at the mansion where he spent the greater part of his childhood. When he arrived in the living room, he had wanted to get away as soon as he could from his adoptive father, but of course, life was never that merciful.

Mori introduced Elise, the newest addition to this twisted family. She was a nine-year-old girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing a pink dress, white knee-long socks and shiny black shoes. She looked like she stepped right out of a Victorian era book. Honestly, put her before a window during the night and people would most likely mistake her for Annabelle, the doll from that one horror movie. He tried to walk past her, only to be stopped by Mori. Sighing irritated, he knelt to be at the same height as her and smiled a small smile.

"What a pleasure to finally meet you, Elise-chan." It sounded odd to give her the honorific '-chan' when her name wasn't Japanese at all. That was just as much politeness he could offer and judging from the girl's eyes, she was glaring at him as if he was intruding on the family even though she was the new victim; he thought it a good idea to show her who has been around for much longer than her. He took the lollipop she had clutched in her hand and put it in his mouth after quickly undoing the wrapper. He then stood up, sparing her no more attention.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework," He told Mori before he felt a kick in his ankle. Elise was apparently not pleased. He looked offended at her before grudgingly walking upstairs to his bedroom, the only place where he still felt remotely safe from Mori's clutches. At least there he couldn't control him, he hoped.

He threw himself on his bed and stared at the ceiling, not feeling like doing anything at all and only sucking on the candy while, once again, thinking how much he hated this place. Mori knew him too well, raised him the way he wanted Dazai to think and behave. It used to be worse. He used to do everything Mori wanted him to do without talking back, at all. Mori didn't tolerate 'rude behaviour' after all. Dazai decided after the three years he lived on his own he'd show his adoptive father he couldn't do as he pleased any longer. A small voice only a few meters away from him warned him he had to be careful, but when he looked sideways he only saw a reflection of himself. He turned on his side, away from his own reflection. He hated that too. He hated who he was and he did blame himself for being this way.

Dazai inhaled sharply to shake away the troubling thoughts and only a few seconds later he heard a knock on the door. One of the servants walked in.

"Dinner's ready, young master," she announced before politely bowing and disappearing once more. Oh yeah, he almost forgot Mori was rich enough to have a household similar to a rich noble family in England or something. Dazai didn't understand what was so great about having English culture mixed in instead of the Japanese one. And another thing he had stopped to remind himself of, was that Mori expected him to follow in his footsteps, thus making him the heir of this 'family'.

Once he was back downstairs, he sat next to Kyuusake, his younger adoptive brother. He didn't think of him as family though, just like he would never accept Mori as his father or Elise as his sister.

Kyuu was eleven years old and had a bit of a girlish look: neck-length brown hair with grey locks here and there and a round face. He always had a strange puppet-like plush in his arms and could never sit still, unless he was dissociating.

Right, Kyuu was a bit different. Humans in general were hard for Dazai to understand, but Kyuu was a complete mystery to him.

Kyuu may be eleven physically, but he had the mind of a three-year-old. He was very self-centred and whenever he felt like something was too confusing for him or he didn't get what he wanted, he'd panic.

He was what people would call a 'special needs' child. He only came here during the weekends and during the weekdays he was present at a group home where he received special guidance for his 'problematic behaviour'.

"Dazai, let's play!" He demanded, a hopeful expression on his face.

Kyuu had the strangest games he would want to play. One day, years back when Kyuu was still only a toddler, a servant found him in the play room with all the toys and plushies broken and ripped apart with a pair of scissors. What business a toddler had with scissors was one thing, but what he said next was the really concerning part. He said 'I won the game! They're all dead!' Dazai thought he might have been playing a game similar to that trilogy book called 'The Hunger Games'. Peculiar, right?

"We are about to have dinner, Kyuu," Mori explained calmly. "I told you that, didn't I? You'll have to wait until tomorrow, because I want to speak to Dazai after this and then it will be bedtime for you."

Dazai stayed quiet and sipped from his soup, even though he didn't really have an appetite and Elise was glaring at him constantly too, now wearing a purple dress, equally ugly compared to the pink one.

Another thing that was typical for Kyuu was that he didn't want any honorifics added to his name, no -chan, -kun or anything else. He was Kyuu, not Kyuusaku or Yumeno (his original family name).

And maybe Kyuu was trying to reach out to people by telling them to play with him, but Dazai couldn't comprehend him at all, so he stayed away from him, just like he disliked dogs for not understanding their nature and habits either.

The dinner went overall well. Dazai remained mostly quiet and listened to Kyuu and Elise's rambles while Mori looked like the perfect father by listening to them, smiling at them and asking questions to stimulate them. Dazai knew how vile this man was though, so he only answered when he was addressed directly.

Afterwards, as Mori suggested, they had the 'conversation' he promised. Dazai went to Mori's study where he usually worked whenever he was home and flopped onto one of the comfortable armchairs.

"It has come to my attention you've been skipping school hours again, Dazai-kun," his adoptive father started.

"Did school call you?" Wasn't he eighteen? Wasn't it his business only what he did now?

"We all know your condition is concerning, so I asked them to inform me whenever something happened with you." Of course, what else did he expect?

"Well, I just don't like classes." But he did stick around nevertheless. He felt reluctant to quit school entirely for a reason he didn't really want to realize himself.

"You know you have to graduate this year. I can easily make arrangements so you will be allowed to take the exams."

Dazai shook his head. "I don't need your help."

Mori frowned, put down his pen and folded his hands, as if this was nothing more than a business meeting.

Dazai crossed his legs as his gaze drifted to the hearth.

"Oh, right," Mori perked up, "I forgot to tell you, Ango works for me now, as an internship, to create an advantage once he graduates."

It sucked to be Ango then.

"Does he get to do chores such as bringing you coffee and copying papers for you?" Dazai asked sarcastically.

"Oh, Dazai-kun, of course not. This isn't the typical internship where trainees are used as slaves." Really now? "He is aspiring to become a government official and uses me as a stepping stone. Smart fellow, isn't he?"

Why didn't Ango tell Dazai and Odasaku anything?

"And you're telling me because…?" He knew he wasn't being perfectly 'obedient' by remaining sarcastic and silently disagreeing with just about everything Mori did or said.

"Can I not tell you about recent developments, Dazai-kun? I thought you'd be happy for your friend." Well, that depended on the perspective one looked at in this situation.

"Actually, you always have a hidden motive for telling me anything you decide to tell me, as if you're either testing me or you want me to figure something out before it actually happens. The dinner tomorrow with Chuuya and Kouyou-neesan is most likely either one." He glared stubbornly at Mori. It was how it always had been, so it was a fact in Dazai's eyes. However, the irritated tone and stubborn glance was apparently not welcome.

Within a second only, Mori's expression changed from neutral with vague hints of a smile to dangerous. Dazai recognized it as 'dangerous' because Mori only looked that way whenever he was displeased. His eyes were calculating while emitting a silent warning, making Dazai turn away, resuming his staring at the hearth, knowing now he went too far.

"Clearly, you're tired."

Dazai wasn't tired. Far from it. He already knew he wasn't going to sleep, not because of what just happened, but because this house made him uncomfortable thanks to the memories of his childhood.

"You're dismissed, good night."

Dazai left immediately.

The next day went by agonizingly slow. He spent the day walking around the gardens. He tried to nap, but no sleep came just like the night before. He read books and even finished his homework, all to avoid Mori, Kyuu and Elise.

When it was finally time, he made his way to the guest room where Chuuya and Kouyou awaited them. Kouyou was a queen among women. There was no other way of describing her. She always wore traditional and expensive, colourful kimonos with her make up done so well one could consider it part of her. Her bow was graceful but not without showing a combination between perfect humbleness and confidence. It was clear who raised Chuuya. Kouyou could be equally gentle as she could be stern. She has never been very fond of Dazai, even if he spent many days at their place. She only showed love to her own adopted children, Chuuya and Kyouka.

Chuuya greeted Mori similarly to Kouyou, but the one glance the lovers shared betrayed Chuuya's concerns and nerves for that dinner. Well, who could blame him? Dazai had been quite anxious too even if something told him he shouldn't worry as much as he did.

After pleasantries were exchanged one of the servants announced dinner was served and so they made their way to the dining room. Small dishes were spread everywhere, like rice, miso soup, meat and vegetable stew, salads and grilled fish. A typical Japanese dinner it was, really.

They took their places, Mori at the head, Kouyou at his right side with Chuuya next to her, Elise to Mori's left side and Dazai next to her, in front of Chuuya. Kyuu wasn't present because he threw a fit earlier and was now 'unable to attend dinner', meaning he fell asleep.

Dazai was listening to the chatter, Mori and Kouyou talking about the politics and other affairs in the country while Chuuya desperately tried to keep himself composed as Elise told him awkward things, such as: 'Dazai said you resemble a troll, the weird ones with their hair standing upright, know what I mean? He said it's a nineties thing'. Thing was, Dazai never said such thing, or did he? It was awfully accurate, he could see himself saying it. Did he really say that? She made him doubt himself, then again, the day went by in a haze, so who knows what he blurted out to make Elise leave him alone.

Chuuya pricked into his fish with his chopsticks a bit harder than was necessary, Dazai pursing his lips to avoid a smile from appearing. He didn't eat much himself, again not having the appetite to eat.

"Oh!" Then came from Mori, making everyone turn to look at him. "I almost forgot. Kouyou, dear, I believe our children have something to tell us."

Well then.

Mori gave each Chuuya and Dazai an expecting glance, his smile always present. "Or should I say, forgot to tell us?"

His expression looked so expectantly cheerful that Dazai honestly had no idea what the man's real thoughts were. What did he want?

"Well?" Spreading his hands, he waited for a response, but none came. Chuuya was too busy staring at his rice, face red and hands fidgeting with the tablecloth.

"Chuuya-kun?" Was the response from Kouyou, who in turn had a neutral expression with a hint of gentleness. Elise was awfully quiet, probably trying to figure this out herself.

Dazai, meanwhile, simply refused to say anything, wanting Mori to reveal it. After a solid few seconds of glaring at each other, Mori sighed and gave in.

"You see, my dear, it appears they have been dating each other for... how long was it now, Dazai?" Why did he have to make it appear as if Dazai had revealed it before? Besides, how on earth did he find out in the first place? Dazai stopped questioning Mori's way of gathering information long ago, but now he did wonder how he could've defeated Dazai, so easily too.

"Oh, but that anyone could figure out!" Was Elise's first reaction. "You two keep staring at each other as if Romeo and Juliet are sharing a dinner with both their families and steal glances from each other, trying to hide their secret romance."

She was what? Nine? Why on earth did she know about Romeo and Juliet? But Dazai couldn't really bring himself to care about that. When Elise said that, his thoughts went back to what Odasaku told him. It was too obvious, he told him. Most students had been waiting for them to get together, or thought they were together anyway.

So maybe it wasn't hard to find out for Mori after all.

Chuuya has been here probably as many times as Dazai had been at Chuuya's place when they were children and in middle school. After Dazai went to live on his own, he avoided Mori, but when he did have to appear like the current weekend, he often tried to drag Chuuya with him, not wanting to be here on his own. The redhead's presence was just comforting that way, although he wouldn't admit that to Chuuya out loud.

"Of course," Mori continued with his smile that was supposed to be gentle, but all Dazai could see was a snake's warning, "you two have my congratulations. I wish you would have told me sooner though, Dazai-kun, you hurt my feelings since I am your adoptive father."

"We were taking it slow," Dazai finally explained, his glare not leaving Mori's. A snake, he was a venomous snake. Would he bite? Had he injected the venom already? He hated thinking this way because he already knew he would either know Mori's intentions too late, or he would never find out, because Mori could only be figured out when he wanted to be figured out. Dazai learned to read people and wear the mask from him after all. He was the true master.

But he said he approved, so what was the point of all this?

Kouyou had half her face hidden behind a white fan with painted pink rose petals on it as decoration. "It's not easy being young," she said, neither approving, nor stating an opinion. Chuuya remained nervous, but did look around now, albeit still in a humble manner, as if ashamed. Dazai supposed he had to show a similar expression as it was a way to show one's parents respect apparently, but all he did was to stay quiet unless he was asked to answer.

"As difficult as it may be, I hope they will make the best out of it. They always have been so close after all." His smile spread into a grin, his eyes growing smaller because of it. Dazai hated it.

"Thank you, sir," Chuuya mumbled.

Mori then clapped in his hands twice. "Now that this ordeal is over, let us have dessert, shall we?"

Kouyou and Mori retreated to one of the living rooms after dinner, leaving Chuuya and Dazai alone. They decided to go upstairs to go to Dazai's room. When they were about to pass Kyuu's room, he heard his screeching coming from behind the door. He made his way to said door and slowly opened it, as if trying not to draw the child's attention by doing it as quietly as he could.

He saw Kyuu throwing plushies at the nanny who was trying to calm him, which obviously didn't work. Dazai was about to speak up, not certain what he should say, when Kyuu started yelling.

"THEY ARE REALLY GHOSTS! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT?! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS! BUT THEY KEEP TELLING ME THAT! THE GHOSTS!"

Dazai's mouth hung half open, ready to speak, but no words came out.

Ghosts.

It was the one word stuck in his mind.

"Oi, Dazai." Chuuya tugged at his sleeve. "Shouldn't we get Mori-san?"

Ghost.

A ghost.

He felt a chill running up his spine, making him look backwards at the wall. Only his shadow, but he thought...

No.

That couldn't be it.

He couldn't have the same thing as Kyuu.

His attention was then drawn to Mori who just ran up the stairs and stopped behind the teens.

"He's been having these panic attacks often lately, especially at the group home."

"He says he sees ghosts," Dazai said, avoiding his track of thought where predictions and conclusions were already drawn.

"Yes, he does. Curious how we humans create our own demons, right?"

Dazai's eyes grew bigger while he turned to stare at Mori.

Our own demons. This was a lesson Mori taught him long ago after he claimed to be seeing a ghost himself.

A black being with no face, hair or clothes. It was like a shadow, only this shadow had a solid form. Dazai thought of it as himself back then, still did during the rare moments he saw it. It used to be quiet and just stand there, doing nothing, but lately…

Again, Dazai shook away the thoughts, failing to notice his hands were trembling. He needed distraction, something else to occupy his mind with.

"How did you know Kyuu had a panic attack?" Was his question then. A servant could've called him. That was most likely the case, but Dazai simply asked for the sake of drawing his attention away from the 'demons'.

"I have a camera installed in his room. I thought that was obvious? Surely, I need to keep an eye on Kyuu."

Dazai felt light headed. "Only for Kyuu?" Why did he ask that?

"Why do you ask?" At least part of his thoughts were on the same page as Mori.

"No reason." He pushed past a confused Chuuya and went to his room, frantically searching for something he already forgot about. He was that focused, that determined, even though he forgot the reason why for that too. He hated his own mind. It was the most confusing place to be.

After searching every part of the room, all the while he ignored Chuuya who kept asking what on earth was going on, he found it.

A lens.

He was staring right at it.

It was a classic trick, one too often used in books, movies and cartoons. The lens was neatly hidden in the left eye of a man in a painting. It was a painting Dazai never had paid attention to, as it had been there ever since he came to live in this household.

Thanks to this reveal, he couldn't bring himself to stop his confusing mind from drawing conclusions, from putting the puzzle together.

Had he been a difficult child, like Kyuu? A problem child, an unfortunate child, one who couldn't be trusted to be on his own without supervision?

Dazai never knew.

He felt a peculiar tugging at his stomach, his heart beating in his chest when he realized he was about to throw up. He ran to his bathroom, since each bedroom had its own toilet, bathroom and walk-in closet and barely managed to reach the toilet when the little dinner he had came out.

He hung above the toilet, his mind now empty as it finished its process from earlier, his eyes tearing up from the vomit and his mouth and legs feeling numb.

Someone was caressing his back, a supposed reassuring touch, he thought before he slowly remembered Chuuya was there.

It was Chuuya who was with him.

Just what was Dazai making him go through?

But wait, if the camera had always been there and Mori had 'kept an eye on him'… then…

"Does Chuuya think I'm mad?"

"Huh?" The caressing stopped. "Wash your face first and sit down, Dazai."

"Answer me," he requested with a soft voice.

"No, no, of course not, fuck's sake. You're irritating and too smart for your own good, yeah, but you're not mad."

"What makes you think that?"

"Look, the camera doesn't mean you're like Kyuu. Mori-san is... yeah, I don't like him much either, but all that is on him, you learned a lot from him, so what I think? I think you're not to blame for whatever you think you are."

And that was probably the most truthful Chuuya could get, Dazai knew.

* * *

 **Question: Which part of the chapter did you like the most? And the least?**


	7. Chapter 7

**The suffering is not going to end yet, sorry Dazai dear~**

 **A big thank you to Kimera for proofreading ^^ And of course, thank you Kuroheit for the reviews!**

* * *

 **Chapter 7:**

Was the suffering ever going to end?

It was Monday and Osamu Dazai was actually on time the first period of school. How wonderful was that? Even the teacher looked up surprised when Dazai announced his presence while he was going through the list of names.

However, it wasn't like he felt like his usual clown self. He was smiling, cracking jokes and flicking pieces of his eraser at Kunikida's head, who was trying his hardest not to throw his table at Dazai's head in return. In his mind, however, he was restless and oddly tired. Not physically, but mentally. He felt like he could close his eyes and he would fall asleep instantly, but whenever he tried no sleep came. There was simply too much going on for him to find his way to dreamland, which was never a welcoming place for him.

He was afraid of what he found out the previous weekend. The ghost who followed him, it was a constant presence now. It was a reflection, like a shadow of who he truly was. He felt empty, hollowed out, as if he didn't belong in this world.

It didn't matter if he ignored the ghost or told himself it was only because he was too tired so his mind was messing with him, because he's seen this presence for years. When he still lived at his biological father's home he sometimes even thought of the ghost as a companion.

It gave him the creeps now.

Was it really impossible for him to be normal, like everyone else? He didn't want to be different, not like this.

Not even twenty minutes after the first period started Dazai was called to the principal's office, Dazai swearing to Kunikida (who gave him an angry glare) that he didn't do anything this time, Kunikida in turn whispering furiously Dazai already had too many strikes so he better have behaved this time!

Being in the student council meant one had to keep up a 'good' reputation at school.

Schools were prisons, everyone could agree with that, right?

Dazai made his way to the principal's office, not taking any detours or a chance to go to the toilet eventually this time, since he knew not to keep the principal waiting. He kind of did respect him. The principal, who was Fukuzawa, an old man always looking tired while always somehow being all zen, had a good heart and always did his best for both teachers and students. It wasn't often anyone received this kind of praise from Dazai, but Fukuzawa he really didn't mind.

So, it did make him wonder why he called him to his office.

He knocked and waited for the signal that he could come in before opening the door and bowing his head politely to greet him.

Fukuzawa sat behind his desk, a pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose as he worked through a pile of papers.

Wasn't this the age of technology? Why was paperwork still a thing? And Dazai knew the struggle, since he was the secretary of the student council.

"Sit down, Dazai-kun," was the gentle order from the principal. Dazai did as asked, a wondering expression on his face.

"Am I receiving a reward for being on time for once?" He tried, sensing the mood wasn't nearly as cheerful as he'd like it to be.

"You'll receive one once I hand you your diploma."

Not hopefully, not maybe, no uncertainty present in his voice. Fukuzawa really expected Dazai to graduate this year. Honestly, he had no comeback for that one, and again, that too was a rare thing for Osamu Dazai.

"Right…"

"I called you here for a different reason. I just received a call from your eldest brother, at least, that is how he introduced himself."

His heart sunk to his stomach. Not only was that blunt and sudden, but that his blood related family appeared to have found a way to contact him was a shock. They weren't allowed to contact him, so the reason had to be something grand, or not, Dazai didn't know.

His breathing quickened a little, a sign he felt nervous, he noted, before wanting to speak up when Fukuzawa held up his hand to hush him.

"I informed your adoptive father immediately after, as was his request. I needed to know if it was okay to inform you because of the regulations with Child Services."

"Inform me about what?"

"Dazai-kun…" No. He recognized that tone.

Pity. A heavy message. Something important was about to be said and Dazai had no idea if he even wanted to hear it, but apparently Mori already knew and by the looks of it the principal received permission to tell Dazai the truth.

"Your mother passed away yesterday. Your brother asked me to ask you if you wanted to visit."

He already knew for years he had lost her. It was his own fault since he ran away from home. He forfeited the right to see her that very day.

The one person who had genuinely cared about him was now dead.

No other thoughts came to mind, no predictions, conclusions, plans or figuring out whatever the other said or did happened in his different thought processes.

Everything was put to a halt inside him.

What should he do? Or say? Should he walk away? He needed to be away from here, from everywhere because he needed to think, but nothing worked. Nothing wanted to obey his commands.

Fukuzawa's mouth was moving, meaning he was saying things, but Dazai didn't hear anything other than an irritating buzz in his ears. Neither did he feel anything, other than the chill that ran down his spine, Dazai sensing the ghost standing behind him to watch this too.

If Mori gave permission to tell him the truth, did that mean he gave permission for him to go to his hometown too? Why? Why would he do that? And why was Child Services going along with this?

But wait, he was eighteen, so their guidance ended already. Only the Judge's order back then still stood. Dazai's biological father was not to seek contact with him. That was the arrangement.

So… Mori couldn't stop him in case he would want to go himself.

Should he go? But why? For his mother? Should he say goodbye to her? Tell her he was sorry?

What was the point of that?

It was the appropriate thing to do, right? So maybe he should go. Do what was the human thing to do.

"I won't attend the funeral," he stated then, Fukuzawa gazing at him neither sternly nor gently. "I can't… I can't be that long in… well, his presence." Fukuzawa nodded and waited. "But I will visit, only to say goodbye to her."

"You can do that today if you want. You can take today and tomorrow off." Dazai nodded, not stopping to think about any of what Fukuzawa said and stood up in a daze, walking out of the door and somehow managing to make his way to his locker where he put his slippers in his locker and took out his shoes.

He had to tie his shoelaces. Dazai knelt down, but somehow he couldn't think of the way to tie them. He knew it and he managed to make his way down here, so why was he failing now?

Two smaller hands then reached out and tied them for him. It was Chuuya.

He silently tied them for him while Dazai stared at him wide eyed, guilt taking over. He hadn't seen him ever since he left Mori's house the weekend before and only greeted him casually that morning.

Chuuya was always going so far for him. He'd rather have him throw a fit about a lame joke Dazai made, not this.

Dazai stood up, nodded a thanks and wanted to be on his way when he felt a tug at his sleeve.

"I can come with you, if you want."

Chuuya didn't know what was going on and Dazai would rather have it remain that way. He didn't want his pity or concern, not Chuuya's.

Dazai shook his head, released his sleeve from his boyfriend's grasp and left.

Once again, he had no idea how he had found his way to his hometown. He had taken the train, which was a short ride and arrived not even an hour later at his childhood home.

He crossed his arms as if to comfort himself. One short visit. That was all. Pay his respects and he would be on his way again, nothing more, nothing less. He was doing the humane thing. He wasn't going to talk to his father. He disowned him, after all.

He was only here for his mother.

Neither did he want to talk to his brothers or cousins or other servants. He disliked them all. None of them helped him back then. None of them tried to understand him. They just thought him to be the clown of the family all the while ignoring what his father did to him, or what they themselves had done to him.

A shudder went through his body at the thought before he emptied his mind once more. To not think about certain things and emptying his mind of it, it was peculiar and somewhat irritating, but it helped.

It was like a form of drugs or alcohol. He felt dull and empty, but it was welcome right now.

He rang the bell and waited until the gates automatically opened, allowing him in.

One person came outside, he recognized him as his older brother. He was in his late twenties and had shorter hair than Dazai, but the exact same color and his eyes were very similar too. They carried a sadness that irritated Dazai, his brother's stern nature he most likely copied from his father still present.

"Little brother," he greeted rather neutrally. Dazai had no other way of describing it other than neutral. He couldn't identify it as anything else.

He only gave him a nod in return. "Where is she?" He assumed he organized everything, as the eldest son often took care of the funeral.

"Why don't you come in first? It's been a long time since I last saw you."

Dazai shook his head. "I'm not here for the wake itself. I only want to speak with her." To her dead body that is. He hoped at least the afterlife would be a better place for her.

His brother sighed, one he seemed to have been holding in as his shoulders seemed to be a little less tense now. "Follow me."

He followed him to the back where a small stone garden house stood. It wasn't your usual wooden house where all the useless stuff was put, only to be forgotten by everyone, thus all the objects turning into mere memories.

This garden house used to be where his mother often sat in front of, sipping her tea and watching the flowers and _cherry_ trees. She did come by the house, if she could manage, when they were in bloom.

Dazai gulped away the memory and knelt on the small carpet in front of the house after taking off his shoes, held the palms of his hands on the ground and bowed to show the deceased and the Buddha respect.

Thinking about it, he realized he was far from following the protocol and norm when it came to traditional funerals, but he didn't care about that, not in this particular case. He just wanted to do what he came for. It was the only way his mind was going to show him some peace about this, about his mother and the guilt he felt for leaving her.

He then stood up again and walked in, one step, two steps and then the third. That was how small the garden house was. His mother was put on a deathbed, one decorated in different kinds of flowers. She was wearing a kimono, an expensive one he was sure. He was also certain she rarely got to wear the ones she had since she was so often hospitalized. It was obvious whom he inherited from the ability to be hospitalized so often. At least one of them was put out of their misery.

What did it feel like…dying? He could ask, but he would receive no answer.

She was gone forever. Maybe he would get to talk to her once he would join afterlife too. He hoped she would forgive him. Would she do that? He read mothers were the ones who would always forgive their children because their maternal love is the strongest love. Was that true? Another question he'd like to ask her.

Did Dazai deserve that? To ask her those questions? To be in her presence? To be forgiven?

He put his hands in his pockets, suddenly unsure what he should do. His brother was standing just outside too, so talking freely to his mother was not an option either.

His fingers found a pen, one he actually bothered to take with him to school today, like the eraser. He took it out, pondered for a moment, finding the idea he had stupid, but wanting to justify this visit somehow and placed it in her folded hands, hidden just so it was out of sight and couldn't easily fall out either once the body would be carried elsewhere.

If she really was watching from somewhere, he hoped she'd understand his silent message.

His father may never have been allowed or wanted to contact him, but the same didn't go for his mother. He wanted her to know he did always want to have been able to talk with her more often. Would things have been different then if his father would've allowed his mother to talk to Dazai?

After that, he bowed once more before leaving the garden house. His brother closed the doors and was about to speak up, but Dazai shook his head.

"Don't try it," he said, eyeing him warily. Another sigh left the other's lips and nodded.

"But, at least take this then." He handed him a visit card. "If you need anything, anything at all, call me."

It was hopeless. Dazai took the card and left without another word.

He was making his way back to the train station, hoping to get back to Yokohama as soon as possible. Walking besides a river, he stopped and forgot about a particular detail. He hadn't thought about it ever since he left Fukuzawa's office. He looked sideways and saw not only his shadow, but the strange ghost too. It was waving at him now, knowing all too well what the emptiness he felt was.

'Are you tired?' It mouthed wordlessly.

Empty, he was just empty, but the ghost didn't mean that kind of tired, not the normal one or even the mental one, but the one where one was tired of life.

'You could ask your mother all the questions you want the answers to.'

He just wanted it to end, not to lead another life. Or would he be reincarnated? The Afterlife? Which was it? Or did it just end? Would there be nothing?

'Don't you want to find out?'

He did.

Dazai walked down the hill, towards the river. No one was near, so he couldn't be stopped, at least from what he saw from here. Without further ado he placed a foot in the water, noting it was deep, so with a small jump he was in the water and swam to the bottom, as far as he could see, that is. There, he remained until his body started screaming for oxygen, which it didn't receive. His lungs started burning, then his body burned and everything blackened.

He woke up in the hospital, surprisingly. No, that was not a surprise, obviously, but waking up to Mori Ougai sitting on the chair next to his bed certainly was a surprise.

With a groan he wanted to turn away from him but his body complained, so he was forced to give up.

"Why did you let me go?" Was his first question with a voice so raspy he was surprised Mori understood what he said.

"I had someone tail you just in case. If I had anyone accompany you, you'd hate me even more and you most likely not have gone in the first place."

"Right, because having someone followed is certainly the next best option."

"It was the most logical solution in this case, Dazai-kun."

Dazai could only stare at him groggily, before another question slipped past his defences. "So as long as someone tailed me and made sure I didn't do anything stupid, you don't care if I visit my blood related family?"

"Of course, you want nothing more than to escape them, after all. I had no right to stop you, no one did."

"Right." He was done asking questions for now.

"Are we in Yokohama?" Or not.

"Yes."

"Can I have my phone?"

"Why?"

"To call Chuuya." He owed him an explanation.


	8. Chapter 8

**My apologies for taking longer than usual! Uni started, so I'm kind of very busy c: I'm posting both ch8 & 9 at once! As a treat ^^ Ch10 might take a bit longer, since I have no idea when inspiration will hit me for that one yet ;; **

**For now, enjoy this~! (Reviews, follows/favorites always make my day and will def motivate me to write the final chapter)**

* * *

 **Chapter 8:**

"I don't want to live."

It was the simple truth, as easily spoken and admitted as if admitting to something someone liked sincerely. However, that wasn't the case here. Dazai did want to live, more than anything he wanted to fill the emptiness in his heart. Desperately, he continued to find a reason to fill it, but every time he failed. Every time, life proved him otherwise.

Life itself didn't want Osamu Dazai to live, yet his body continued moving, not allowing his soul to leave his body. His soul was ready, done, finished with this world, but life, or whatever was out there controlling life decided to play with him a bit longer, as if he was a puppet whose strings were pulled.

That was scary, he admitted. He didn't like the thought of being controlled by something out there he would never know who it was or what its role was.

Was it God? The very concept, Dazai had no idea if any of the religions in the world were true, his 'logical' way of thinking preventing him from truly believing it, but humans did find solace and peace in this concept or religion, so who was he to deny them some peace of mind?

However, wasn't God rather cruel to Dazai in this case? To allow him to live even though there was nothing more than Dazai wanting to die?

He played with his life as if it was his property.

God suddenly had Mori Ougai's face. Was he like him? Or like his father? A mix of both?

Dazai decided to leave this train of thought before he could list another 'being' he despised.

He was sitting on the carpet, back leaning against the couch with a glass of whiskey in his hands. Chuuya was sitting next to him, his short legs pulled up and elbows resting on the couch. He had chosen not to drink, as he didn't want to get in trouble with Kouyou later.

A silence fell between the couple and it was the first most honest opinion Dazai had given ever since he was released from the hospital.

"I don't want to live, yet I want to find a way to… endure life, to find a reason to live, you know?" The second confession was made. Dazai took a sip, a small one.

"But I keep trying to find ways to kill myself at the same time." And that was the third.

He received no answer from Chuuya, not in the form of words anyway. When Dazai stole a glance from his boyfriend he noticed the other was struggling with finding one. He knew that expression. It was always present whenever Dazai was admitting to things like these. The knitted eyebrows, a few red lock just so fallen besides his face so it was a bit harder to see him, as if to give himself some space. His bottom lip was a bit pulled, he was probably chewing on it, not enough to make his lips chapped, but enough to make the biting a bit visible. His eyes.. Dazai didn't really like what they radiated. It was a mixture of emotions, one that made Dazai uncomfortable looking at them simply because he wasn't used to an expression like that.

There was concern present, perhaps a bit of pain and frustration. Frustrations towards Dazai or himself? He guessed a bit of both. It would only make sense. Not many looked like that, not at Dazai.

Not to mention, Chuuya always reserved that expression for a very select few people, Dazai obviously being one of them, the other was Kouyou, as for others.. well, Chuuya was always loyal and caring towards those he genuinely cared for, which weren't many people, to be honest. Most students often stayed away from him because of his violent nature, but there were those who looked past that, two of those being the junior duo, Akutagawa and Atsushi.

But what Dazai failed to comprehend was why he was looking like that now. Why did he care so much about him? That was what it meant, right? He cared about Dazai and didn't know how to help him. However, those were the exact two things that frustrated Dazai beyond recognition.

He didn't realize he had been staring at Chuuya until he felt the smaller arms wrap around his neck, gently and carefully and resting his head in the crook of Dazai's neck.

The smell of shampoo and Chuuya's deodorant entered his nose, usually it was comforting, but the frustration still gnawed at him.

Was he pitying him?

He cared and wanted to be there, but Dazai didn't want pity, nor did he need it. Surely, Chuuya knew that? Then why choose the hug anyway? How would it help?

Despite these thoughts he wrapped his own arms around his torso and pulled him a bit closer.

Having Chuuya close was always nice…

He was contradicting himself now and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself either.

Dazai was frustrated and he just admitted a truth he wouldn't normally admit outright to Chuuya. They never did, not usually anyway. The past few events, like what happened at Mori's, for example, caused the 'usual' situations to be different now. Normally they would be themselves, Dazai making lame jokes, Chuuya ending up annoyed, they would bicker and Chuuya would grow irritated, but they'd always end up kissing… and more.

But not the past two weeks. Everything was upside down and it made Dazai want to crawl away in a corner and never come out. It made the ghost appear too, which was a worrying sign. He never admitted to the doctors at the hospital he was seeing it. He would be sent to an asylum for sure. Dazai knew he was psychically 'ill'. He knew he was. No one could tell him otherwise. But he didn't want to be locked away and undergo 'treatment' for it. No, that was the last thing he wanted.

They sat like this for a while and outside it was growing dark.

"Don't you need to be home for dinner? Kouyou-neesan is expecting you, right?" He was only going to get drunk anyway.

A sigh escaped the redhead's lips before he looked up. "If you need anything-"

"Right, I'll call you. Odasaku is next doors too. Osamu Dazai is being watched over, no worries." He needed to convince him, or else he wouldn't leave him be.

The glare Chuuya then gave him was a stern and thoughtful one before he gave in and nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow." Whether that would be at school or at the apartment remained a mystery as of yet.

Dazai gave him a quick peck on the lips, it was a bit sudden, so Chuuya's cheeks coloured red. He always liked seeing Chuuya being flustered. "See you then."

Dazai watched him leave, remembering Chuuya's visit in the hospital a few days ago. He had explained what happened, but Dazai didn't remember he'd left him at school, saying the other couldn't do anything for him. In fact, Dazai didn't remember anything about the journey from school to his hometown. He had no idea whether he should've apologized to Chuuya or not. He did kind of leave him hanging, but Chuuya said it was okay, it was a difficult time for him, but he did demand a date, so Dazai promised (in-between jokes) he'd take him on one once he was better. He had yet to fulfil that promise.

Hours passed and with each hour Dazai was more drunk. With each gulp memories of the past two weeks flooded his mind more and more and more until he became so angry with himself he threw his empty glass at the wall.

The wall that separated his and Odasaku's apartment. The ghost was always there and it was watching him, just that, glaring at him, seeing if he was going to do anything.

Dazai ignored it and stared at the glass instead, noticing a sharp shard of the glass. Crawling over, albeit wobbly on his knees, he managed to find his way to the shard, cutting a finger meanwhile on another while crawling there, and took it in his hand. He gazed at it mesmerized.

Glass had no colour, just like water. They looked empty, yet at least they fulfilled their jobs, had a reason to exist.

The shard was going to have a reason now, no matter if the glass itself was broken.

Dazai placed it on his wrist and tried a small cut, barely a centimetre big. Blood trickled out and gave the colourless shard a dark shade or red.

Dazai found it beautiful.

He heard the door open and close, he recognized Odasaku and didn't stop the teacher when he knelt down and took Dazai's hand in his and gently took away the shard, before taking his other hand too.

"Come on," he softly ordered and Dazai simply followed after him in a daze. Odasaku led him to his apartment, a rare happenstance, one could say. Odasaku always visited him, not the other way around. Sometimes Dazai did barge in, but after Odasaku warned he had to be careful because of the school's regulations, Dazai thought it was best Odasaku decided when and how to visit him.

Odasaku let him sit on the couch and wanted to let go of his hands, but Dazai held them tighter, not wanting Odasaku to let go.

He was going to use his hands to hurt himself as he often did whenever he was frustrated with himself, so he needed them to be occupied.

"Don't," he mumbled and after a moment Odasaku nodded, kneeling down on the ground before him.

"You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to," was the announcement from the teacher.

Dazai shook his head. "I don't belong in this world, Odasaku. I just don't and you know? I don't deserve Chuuya either. He's trying, but I can see he's struggling. I know it." When Odasaku remained quiet, Dazai decided to spill more. "I keep having these weird dreams, nightmares, but not normal ones. Sometimes they are memories, but most of the time it's this empty black hole I keep falling through." He always thought of the black hole as his heart. He was falling though his own emptiness. "That's why I don't like those sleeping pills. I don't take them like the doctor wants me too, I don't want to sleep without waking up for seven hours, because then I'd have that nightmare, I don't want that. And that's not all, there's more. I'm going crazy, Odasaku, I really am. I am not normal, far from it. You see, there is also this ghost, it looks like a shadow and it's always there when I feel like I'm losing myself." His voice was breaking. "Usually it doesn't do anything other than watch me, but after I visited my mother and walked besides a river, it urged me to jump in and I did. I listened to it, Odasaku."

Panic.

He was panicking. He realized it only after he finished rambling about everything he'd kept bottled up.

Would he admit any of this to anyone else? He wouldn't. Not like this. Not this forward, not so directly. Not this honestly or raw, for that was what it was, the raw and pure truth, one Dazai rarely spoke out loud.

But he was afraid and the only one he thought he could go to with it was Odasaku. He didn't understand why, but only with him it felt right to admit it.

Dazai was trembling, he noticed that too now. He felt vulnerable and his head hurt. He also felt dizzy from the whiskey and a strange pulling at his stomach was starting to appear, meaning he was probably going to throw up at some point tonight.

"Is this the first time you're admitting this to anyone?"

Dazai nodded.

"Have you received professional help with your suicidal… tendencies?"

Dazai thought for a moment, then nodded again. "But it didn't help. I don't want it either."

If he could cry, he probably would've already. Any other human would, right? Admitting any of this was far from easy after all.

"Am I human?"

The question was quiet, yet loud in the silence of the room.

Odasaku squeezed his hand. "Do you mean to tell me that the pain and honesty you're showing me now is not human?"

A fair point, one Dazai hadn't considered yet.

He didn't know how to answer, so he remained quiet.

Odasaku remained silent for a few more seconds also before shifting, as if bracing himself and presenting the next question.

"Listen to me carefully, okay? And don't make a decision until you finished listening to me." When he received yet another nod from Dazai, he continued. "I sometimes hire a small hut by the beach. I go there whenever things.. reach a certain point, like, when I think I don't know what to do any longer. I decide to go there because the sea has a calming effect on me. I am alone and it helps me to think things through without disturbances. I write, I write a lot and until now it has always helped me forward. I want you to try this. Another thing I want you to do is to graduate. I know that sounds unreasonable, considering the things that happened, but I think leaving high school behind successfully will help you too. It will give you some peace of mind. The third thing I want you to do is to seek professional help, but only in case the first two options don't work. Do those first, see what consequences will follow and based on that I want you to seek me out again. Then we'll see if my proposal worked or failed."

You see, this was the strange thing about Odasaku. He listened. He wasn't like other adults who 'knew it better' or gave him advice they thought was best. He didn't tell him what he should do, he said what he'd like to see. Anyone else, Dazai was certain, would have sent him to 'professionals' already, but Odasaku knew that approach wouldn't work with Dazai, so he chose to present him this alternative. He'd give him a chance, and only demanded the sensible thing in return in case the chance failed.

"A house by the beach?" He asked.

"Yes, just a few days, away from everything and everyone and do as you like, read, write, walk, whatever you'd find relaxing."

"On my own?"

"Nope, with Chuuya."

"Chuuya?"

"Yes, I think he deserves to be spoiled a little too, not to mention, you two are always together. I can't see you a week without him. Am I wrong?"

He was right. He needed Chuuya like one needed their keys, their coffee or bed. He belonged with him and to him. He wanted to be with him at all times and wanted to make up to him for leaving him behind, sort of, the past days. He wanted to give Chuuya something in return. Would this… what was it? A vacation? Would it help?

"Chuuya makes you feel better, doesn't he?"

Dazai tilted his head to one side, wondering. He made him feel better? Perhaps that was the accurate way to describe it indeed.

No one could make Dazai truly happy, but he did feel better when Chuuya was with him. It was as if more puzzle pieces would be in place then. It was something that helped order to restore his chaotic mind a little.

Odasaku had a similar effect, but not the same. Perhaps it was the love he felt for Chuuya that made it a bit different?

"You really think being away from everyone will help?"

"I think that other… humans confuse you. Am I right?" When Dazai didn't deny it, Odasaku took it as an invitation to continue. "You can predict a lot of things that will and might happen in the future solely because of your combination of intelligence and… because you think a bit differently than other humans. Classes are dull, sitting in a chair, listening to the teachers is dull, you'd rather let your mind run free while you figure things out on your own. That is partly a strength of yours, but it can also be very frustrating. I think being away from all these restrictions... let's call it society for the ease of it, might help you make decisions, figure things out about your life in those days."

Odasaku was making fair points and no counter arguments formed in his mind.

"I'll try it."

"And the exams?"

"I don't have enough attendance."

"The state exams then."

"Alright, I'll do those."

"Great, in that case, I can promise you now you will receive enough days off from Fukuzawa to go to said beach. He'd only agree to it if you would sign up for the state exams, you see."

Well, look who predicted this accurately. "Right."

"Good, leave the preparations to me."

He had no idea how Odasaku was going to realize all this. Dazai may be eighteen now, but he still had restrictions called Child Services and Mori Ougai. He already asked Odasaku not to involve Mori as much as was possible, he didn't want yet another moment of his life that was thanks to his adoptive father. Odasaku explained he would do what he could, but also said Dazai had to understand anything the school arranged for a student had to be with the caretaker or parents' permission. Dazai then asked just how Odasaku was organizing this, at which he laughed. He explained the days Dazai wouldn't be at school was thanks to Fukuzawa and Yosano's approval, since she often supervised Dazai's condition. Other than that, it was really just Odasaku who arranged the beach house and the like. With other words, Odasaku was paying himself, so Dazai promised he'd pay him back one day, but Odasaku said he didn't need it.

Two days after, not the day after he broke the glass because he wasn't quite recovered yet, he came back to school. Most of the morning went by rather well, normally at least. Students didn't bother with Dazai's prolonged absences any longer, finding it normal now and his classmates and others he could consider friends at this point behaved normal around him too, annoyed whenever he made a lame joke and irritated when he tried a prank.

After the bell rang for lunch, Dazai made his way to Chuuya's table, extending his hands and expecting a bento box to be placed in them.

"It's been a while, Chuuya." His bentos were delicious after all.

"Jackass," was the fiery redhead's response, but one of the two boxes he brought along was handed to him.

Dazai smirked in turn. "Wanna go outside?"

"Why not?" Chuuya stood up and followed Dazai. They just entered the hallway when Dazai noticed something was off. The students were behaving a bit differently, more excited, or nervous, or both. Something happened. When he recognized Atsushi approaching him rapidly, and not with a pleasant expression, Dazai was now certain something was wrong.

"Dazai-san! You have to see this! They're arresting Oda-sensei!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9:**

"I didn't file the case against Sakunosuke Oda." That was the truth. It did not mean he didn't know what was going on however. He knew it awfully well, already been made aware of the circumstances even before the police could turn the key of their cars to get to the school.

Mori Ougai knew, but he did not see the need to interfere, at least, that was until he was presented with the 'proof', the proof that was handed to the police to arrest Oda.

Mori crossed his legs and folded his hands over his knee. A cup of Jasmin tea waited for him on the desk in front of him, he, himself, sitting on one of the chairs before the desk. Behind said desk sat Yukichi Fukuzawa, an old acquaintance so to call it. They shared the same mentor, a private tutor, one who had taught them a lot in the past, despite both their troublesome and shady childhoods.

The proof that was handed to the police, not found by them, mind you, included his own adoptive son, Osamu Dazai.

"Dazai's circumstances are questionable at best because of his weak condition and prolonged absences because of the treatment he receives at the hospital, many questioned his ability to receive education in the first place after all. Schools kept recommending arrangements for special needs children, like my other son, Kyuu. However, you were the one who gave him the chance to have a proper future."

"It wasn't for your sake," was the simple response from his past fellow apprentice. He had his hands folded before his face, making his mouth appear half hidden while his eyes radiated the same stern gaze they always did.

No, that was wrong. Almost always did was the more accurate word here. Fukuzawa had a good heart. He often gave children the chances they needed and deserved. That was what differed between the two past apprentices. Fukuzawa simply did it out of the goodness of his heart, wanting to help people as best as he could as the headmaster of Yokohama High. Mori did it mostly for his own advantage, and well, it was a challenge to raise children like Dazai and Kyuu. The reason why he took Elise in… was different.

"This so called proof has been falsified. I know Dazai is capable of making his own choices. He is intelligent and Oda-kun would never do any of the things he has been accused of."

"However," Mori interrupted, "his reputation is already tarnished. You have no choice but to abide by the people's wishes and the judge's one. You have to fire him."

The proof partly existed of photographs. One of them included Dazai, therefore Mori decided to make sure the boy wouldn't be unnecessarily involved if he could avoid it. Mori was a famous man in Japan, after all. Dazai didn't want any of the media's attention, and so that wish was granted, one Mori didn't mind at all, for now that is. Dazai couldn't always avoid the future he had in mind for him.

"He won't be able to find a job anywhere near buildings with underage children. It's sad, but the terrible truth of this society. Employers won't take risks, even if Oda-kun has been released without 'further consequences'."

"Thanks to you," Fukuzawa replied, gaze calculating.

Mori gave a small nod, as if taking it as an appreciation for having used the influence he had to tweak the judge's final judgment a bit.

"Dazai-kun ended up with a warning?" Mori informed, having heard the news fleetingly on the phone when he was on his way here.

"Yes, as a council member, he is not allowed to be caught in quarrels. He was found threatening Sakaguchi Ango, your trainee."

"Oh, he isn't my trainee any longer. He left yesterday. Do you want to know why Dazai threatened him? I believe in his eyes, Ango betrayed him and Oda. Dazai doesn't get furious easily, or angry at all for that matter, but once he thinks of someone as a traitor, then I fear they can only pray for their soul. Dazai holds the few people he cares for very dear, you know? He hasn't known much of that luxury after all, so he clings to such things as friendship and love more than the average human being."

Fukuzawa remained quiet, so Mori took it as an advantage to continue his rambles. "You see, Ango has been employed by the Government. Now, why do you think the Government would want to hire a mere teenager like him? At such a young age, and not yet graduated?"

Fukuzawa sighed. "He's intelligent and knows more than one can possibly expect from an average teenager."

"Indeed so, not to mention, he has a thirst to prove himself and work himself up the ladder, much more so than others too. It's what drives him. So, what do you think the Government would want?"

"Loyalty," was the simple answer from Fukuzawa, who appeared to be following Mori's train of thoughts. "They would test him, in a way one could call vulgar." Ah, the careful nuance in his choice of words. It was no secret Fukuzawa didn't always agree with the way the Government always operated.

"Hm, they wanted to see how far Ango was willing to go for them, so, he left me immediately and prepared just enough proof to ruin Oda's future. Quite the clever young man, isn't he?"

"And you allowed him to play with you like that?"

"Oh, please, Fukuzawa, you of all people know better."

"Right, forgive me, I chose the wrong words. He is going to pay for using you like that, isn't he? But you are not that low. In fact, I believe you foresaw this some time ago and prepared your own vile plan so you can use Ango for your own benefit."

Mori spread his hands invitingly, showing Fukuzawa he was right. "Exactly, of course, you'll have to forgive me in turn for not informing you of the plan I have in mind."

"I'm not interested either way."

"Thought so." He finally took the cup of tea, sniffed at it and pulled up his nose. "You know I don't like Jasmin." Fukuzawa remained quiet, Mori knowing the choice of tea had been a silent message telling him he still disliked him as much as he did. "No matter, I believe a thank you is in order for making certain Dazai was kept out of this."

"Yes, and without your help Oda-kun would have been in bigger trouble." A nod from both, as it was as much etiquette they could muster to show each other their gratitude before Fukuzawa made another comment. "I am surprised though. I didn't think Dazai would show his anger so openly. I haven't seen it, but his friend, Kunikida-kun told me about the way he grabbed Ango and pushed him into the wall, almost yelling he wasn't going to get away with this. I thought Dazai would be more of the silent type, one with a smile and quiet threats."

Mori hummed, appearing amused. "He is the type to usually do that. It's what keeps his enemies mostly away, but as I said, this time, this matter hit him personally. You see, I don't talk with him about his time with his biological family, he avoids it as much as he can, pretends they don't exist and for good reason. The media showed his father abused him, physically, but that isn't the kind of man he appears to be." Dazai's biological father used to be influential too in Japan, until the different truths were revealed. "However, it isn't just his father's supposed physical abuse that ruined Dazai's young mind. There was so much more going on in that household, with the servants and cousins living there. I knew it the moment I first saw his scars. He thinks of Oda-kun as a mentor, someone he looks up to, perhaps even a parental figure, but he doesn't realize that, not yet anyway. And that's not all, Oda-kun was charged with molestation, which is false, but Dazai-kun's mind partly 'forgot' about the trauma he endured as a child, so he doesn't quite know why it hits him so badly either. Anyway, my point is, Dazai-kun's reasons for being angry isn't just the friendship the three of them shared, a deeper, silent, psychological reason is hidden behind all this, one I don't want anyone to seek out or make Dazai-kun remember. He's had enough of that time."

"Right," Fukuzawa replied quietly, already partly knowing Dazai's childhood had been far too harmful and saddening. And that wasn't just his biological family either. Mori Ougai was a peculiar man himself, a confusing one for any child, he imagined. "It's strange how at times such damaged children end up with an intelligent mind incomparable with any other. Ranpo-kun, my protegee, is another brilliant one. He gave me enough counter proof to work with to help Oda-kun. He is a genius when it comes to bringing truth to the light, especially with cases." At practically everything else however, he was rather useless. He couldn't even pour himself a cup of tea without spilling it.

All in all, some of these children deserved far better than they received. He would've done more for any child and he did do as much as he could, but he was 'school' and so he could do only so much. Not to mention, in Dazai's case, he was not only tied by Child Services and as 'school', but Mori was far too 'powerful' to do anything that might go against his so called wishes.

"Have you spoken with Dazai-kun about the state exams?" The change of subject might be sudden, but Mori believed the topic about Oda's arrest ended with the heavy message of Dazai's childhood.

"Not ever since he visited, why?" Mori replied with slightly increased brows.

"Before all this happened with Oda-kun, he had a talk with Dazai, the boy accepted to take the state exams."

If he was surprised, Mori didn't show it. It wasn't that he was surprised that Dazai accepted, that in itself Mori predicted some time ago he would take them at some point. What he was surprised with was how easy he seemed to accept Oda's advice.

A parental figure... How curious.

"I see, that is good news. I can assure you he will graduate with ease."

"Oh, I know. He is a smart boy, his mind too large to be confined to a mere classroom." Fukuzawa closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Well then, I believe that is all, unless you have other pressing matters to talk about?"

"No, I think that's all. I hope Dazai will take the opportunity he received from you to create a better future for himself."

"His future, or your future?"

Mori smiled at that, a smile that always made Fukuzawa wary of the other.

"The boy deserves the right to follow whichever path he chooses."

"Hm, he does, but if he does what he wants, I would have a dead child by now." And with that, he excused himself and made his leave.

"It's my fault, Odasaku," Dazai says. They were at his apartment, the previous P.E. teacher having visited him a day after he had been released. Odasaku looked tired, exhausted even. Not only did he have bags under his eyes, he also had a permanent frown on his forehead now, as if riddled by the stress that certainly engulfed him the past few days.

"I should have called you Oda-sensei and not caused you so much trouble by being the way I am and you even went out of your way to organize a vacation for Chuuya and me and I always try to find you at school and-"

"Dazai," was Odasaku's response, "It's not your fault, alright? I've never done any of the things I've been accused of."

Right, it was true. It was first and foremost Ango's fault. Dazai never thought he would lose control over his temper, not him. He was a genius at hiding his emotions, but the way he targeted Ango in the hallways of the school after he heard the news from Atsushi even surprised him. Ango didn't outright tell him he'd done it he was trying to keep it silent, pretend to still be their friend, as if mourning Odasaku's loss. After the puzzle pieces started to connect, Dazai drew his own conclusions. As soon as he was certain he pushed Ango against the wall, only to be stopped by Kunikida a few seconds later.

No one knew, no one aside from Dazai and probably Mori too.

Odasaku had been released barely two days later thanks to Mori and Fukuzawa, as Dazai was told by his adoptive father.

Still, Dazai was the one who made it so easy for Ango to file the report against Odasaku. All three had been close friends, no one at the school batted an eye at that. Everyone was simply used to it and it wasn't peculiar any longer either.

If Dazai never became friends with the two of them, none of this would've happened.

"You still feel guilty?" Was it visible? For a moment Dazai hadn't focused on the way he expressed himself. "Hey, I don't regret any choices I made the past years, okay? I am glad we could spend time together, really, I am. I won't regret any of that now either."

"But if we never got acquainted personally in the first place…"

"…then my life would have been a lot less exciting, I'm sure and you would be in a worse state than you are now," Odasaku finished his sentence for him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that, I couldn't help but want to watch over you." He rubbed the back of his neck, a sign he was having difficulty putting it in the right words. "I managed to stop a lot of your attempts at trying to kill yourself, for example."

Dazai knew what the older male was getting at, or so he thought. Odasaku wasn't stern nor gentle with Dazai. He was neutral and entirely focused on what Dazai wanted, thought and said. He always drew his conclusions based on that, never on 'what was better for the youth'. Odasaku looked at the individual, not at protocols or the way someone had to be treated per a psychology book.

Odasaku sighed. "I don't know when, but I think at some point I started to think of you as some kind of younger brother who always needed caring and fretting because you're either too impulsive or too careful. There is no in-between for you. You worry me too much, Dazai." This was what surprised Dazai. A younger brother. They called each other friends a lot of times and really, Odasaku was 26, so he wasn't that old either. He never called him a younger brother before.

Dazai stared baffled at his previous teacher. What did he think of Odasaku? Was he really 'just a friend'? Or was there more? He tilted his head to one side, thinking carefully and wondering how such changes happened.

It was similar with Chuuya. Calling him a friend always felt wrong. They often ended up calling each other partners and rivals, just like they had been. But ever since they started high school, it just didn't add up. That was until a few months ago, however. Now they were a couple and somehow, that felt more at place than any of the other things.

Then what was the case with Odasaku? Did he think of him as an older brother? What did that feel like? For Chuuya he felt affection and the need to be with him. Atsushi and Akutagawa were juniors and looked up to Dazai. He did feel responsible for them. He always looked out for them, although he had been scolded quite a few times by Chuuya whenever he 'influenced' the boys the wrong way, just like he made Atsushi believe the basement was haunted and whoever entered it and managed to come out unscathed would receive eternal luck with tests and exams. He also added no one ever came out, all of it being a blatant lie. Atsushi discovered the horrible truth when he came out with a large spider on his head.

The younger still carried that grudge to this very day.

So, Odasaku felt responsible for him then? He wanted to look out for him? Like Dazai made sure the bullies would stay away from Atsushi? Like that? He now recognized the admiration Akutagawa and Atsushi sometimes showed towards Dazai, even if the older male would never understand what was there to admire him for. Did he think like similarly about Odasaku? Did he want to be like him? No, that didn't feel like that was it.

Dazai scratched his head, not able to figure this out. "I don't get it. Why do you want to look out for me?"

"Honestly?" Odasaku asked and then shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think these are things meant to be figured out. It just happens and once you realize it, you accept it and go along with it. At least, that was the case for me. You deserve a future of your own, Dazai, just like all children do. You are no different."

Dazai gulped, not certain what to answer to that. That was happening a lot more lately, Dazai being dumbfounded, tight lipped and having no witty and clever comebacks to divert the attention or achieve what he wanted. He decided it was time for a small change of subject.

"But what now? We won't see each other at school any longer. What will I do? School without Odasaku is no fun. I often came because I knew you were there." And Chuuya, but he kept that quiet for now. Why would he go to school if Odasaku wasn't there?

Odasaku shook his head. "Are you going to follow me around once you graduate too? You can't always depend on me, Dazai. You must find your own path. I can't always hold your hand."

But was that possible for Dazai? He clung to people he knew would always be there, but that was ripped away from him by Ango, whom he thought of as a friend. He ruined it all, so his mind was in a constant state of confusion, the empty black hole now coming awfully close along with the ghost who was now grinning constantly.

Dazai shook his head, as if those realizations would disappear that way, but he knew they wouldn't, not now that Odasaku was gone.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Me? I'm going to finally write my books and travel around. I saved up enough money to get by for a while. Perhaps being fired was not so bad in the end. I can finally do the things I always wanted to do." Then why the frown? No, that was worry.

"What are you worried about?"

"I'm betraying my words, aren't I?" He showed half a smile, an apologetic one before turning serious once more. "I am worried about you. What will you do now?"

Dazai shrugged, not really wanting to grace the question with an answer.

"You have to graduate, now, this year, along with Chuuya and your other classmates. And the vacation hasn't been cancelled either. In fact, everything has been arranged. You're going with Chuuya, whether you want to or not."

It wasn't exactly an order, but the firmness in the tone of his voice told Dazai there was no escaping that now.

"You made a promise, Dazai and I want you to keep it."

Dazai grunted, the frustration settling in his chest now. He knew all this, but how was he going to do it? He was afraid, worried and probably more he didn't recognize yet.

Odasaku rested a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "You haven't lost me, you know? You will still see me around and I will visit. We're still friends and even better, now neither of us have to keep the school's rules in mind. You can see me as many times as you want me to without having to worry about overstepping the law's boundaries. If anything, this might be better."

"You think so?" He wanted confirmation, to be certain Odasaku meant what he said, even though he already sort of knew he did.

"Of course, want to make it another promise?"

Dazai nodded and remained quiet.

"It's a promise then. Call me whenever you need me and I will visit whenever I can."

A small smile then managed to break through the sea of clouds on Dazai's face, the first genuine one in weeks.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello and long time no see! Sorry for the long wait, uni has been killing me but I finally managed to write the final chapter. I have to say I am fairly proud of this fic. It's the first one that has such a complete and detailed plot, meaning that I learned quite a bit after all these years ^^ Thank you to those reading, following and leaving comments~! I appreciate it a lot since your feedback fuels me to write more c:**

 **Don't hesitate to leave behind reviews! 3**

 **One more thing as it's the last time: a big thank you to Kimera who was so kind to proofread all the chapters for me! (love you bby)**

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 **Chapter 10/epilogue**

"Does Chuuya know what intrusive thoughts are?"

"It's three in the morning and that's what you're thinking about? Fuck's sake, Dazai. Go to sleep already."

"But do you know what they are?"

Chuuya sighed before turning around in Dazai's arms so he could face him. They lay in bed; the wooden doors of the hut shoved open entirely, enabling the couple to witness the night sky and the black sea. "Thoughts you don't want to think but appear in your mind anyway, right?"

"Yeah." Dazai nuzzled his nose against Chuuya's cheek, not wanting direct eye contact.

"So?"

"I was wondering about it, is all."

"Oh, please." Clearly annoyed, Chuuya pulled away, albeit gently. "What's the matter?"

"Sometimes they become obsessive, right?" Dazai then asked, lips pursed.

"So? Are you saying you're having them? Isn't that normal? We all have intrusive thoughts at times, Dazai."

"Yeah, but usually they don't become obsessive, is what I read at least." In one of the psychology books he read long ago this term was described. Dazai had forgotten about it until he remembered it when thinking too much while trying to sleep. Or rather, he was avoiding having to sleep, even though there was no need for the concern of nightmares. This was because they were spending the vacation Odasaku arranged for them in the hut by the beach. Dazai never felt this relaxed before. He had nothing to worry about, except for making sure he took enough bandages with him, choosing a restaurant where he didn't have to get picky about his food and how to get the sand out of his hair after spending the morning swimming in the sea. Of course, he also had to worry about satisfying Chuuya's luxurious taste, but that wasn't too hard. His boyfriend seemed to be enjoying himself and smiled much more often than he usually did. It was all Dazai really needed. Not to mention, the intrusive thoughts he usually had appeared much less.

He connected part of his way of thinking with this now familiar term. The obsession with wanting to cut himself, sudden bursts of need for attention from people he liked, the sudden burst of anger when he faced Ango… Wasn't that all 'intrusive'? It wasn't like he ever asked to think like this after all.

Chuuya brought up a hand, running the fingers through the brown locks of hair. "You're afraid you have obsessive intrusive thoughts, is that it?" His voice was soft and his blue eyes scanned Dazai carefully, but a worried glance was in them, one Dazai, as usual, found odd for Chuuya. He was being gentle and caring… that was odd, right? He'd rather have Chuuya be irritated and snappy at him all the time. At least that he understood. He may find Chuuya's behavior peculiar, but wasn't he behaving differently than usual as well? He made less jokes, asked more earnest questions about serious subjects… He just felt so empty, in a different way than he normally did. He was relaxed, sure, but it was also new, and he wasn't certain what to think of that.

Perhaps this was enough seriousness for the night. Dazai pursed his lips, forcing a small smile on his face. "Nah, it's fine. I'm okay now."

"You're never okay."

"Chuuya is so mean!"

"Chuuya is being realistic!" He redhead snapped, while his voice remained consistent and soft.

"Hearing Chuuya speak in third person is odd. Just leave that to me, alright?"

A sigh came from the boyfriend and then a small push against his chest. They remained quiet for a few moments before Chuuya spoke up once more. "Listen, sometimes you just realize things about yourself, okay? That's not bad. See it as a first step towards improvement or to take further steps. It can be a good thing, Dazai."

"You're saying obsessive intrusive thoughts are a good thing? Chuuya, please."

"No, you idiot! I'm saying that you realizing you have them is good, because now you can learn to realize when you're having them and perhaps prevent them from happening next time. Like that."

He was making sense, but Dazai had too much pride to admit it outright and really, he had spoken his mind, listened to Chuuya's opinion, so now he wanted to end this discussion.

"There's a festival tomorrow. They're going to show a firework show as well. Wanna go?"

Chuuya took a deep breath, apparently realizing the moment of honesty has passed. "Sure. Did you bring any traditional clothes?"

"After the three threats you sent on WhatsApp if I didn't bring them? What makes you think I'd listen to you?"

That earned him a smack on the head.

"Yeah, yeah, I brought them. No worries."

The following day passed by calmly. Dazai spent the morning reading and lazing around while Chuuya took a swim in the sea. The afternoon was for sightseeing. They visited a temple, an exhibition and an aquarium for exotic fish. Of course, Dazai made it his job throughout the day to tease Chuuya as much as he could since it was always fun to see how far he could go in public. Chuuya always tried even harder to contain his irritation then, after all.

They skipped supper because of the festival, thinking they might as well eat from the small stands there. It was crowded everywhere, but the atmosphere was happy and busy. Lanterns lit the way, the smell of fried food, sweets and ramen everywhere.

Chuuya was wearing a red kimono and tied his hair in this tiny ponytail falling over his shoulder while Dazai was wearing a dark blue kimono, deciding simple was always the best way to go. He didn't feel like standing out and he wasn't one to consider 'fashion' all that much. He left that part to Chuuya. Really, the redhead was starting to resemble a nagging housewife more often lately.

After they finished eating their ramen, and Dazai specifically ordered nothing too spicy and certain vegetables to be left out, only to earn a judgmental and offended glare from the man selling the food, they strode through the street filled with happy people, different colored lanterns and the different activities present at each stand. Chuuya challenged Dazai to a small contest, who could hit the most targets? Dazai won, earning him a scowl from Chuuya, but he decided to give the presents that existed of a plushie, funny glasses and a ridiculous hat to the boyfriend. The plushie seemed to satisfy Chuuya somehow though, funnily enough. The redhead did have a soft heart, he really did, one simply had to be close enough to get to see that part of him and Dazai wasn't allowed to point that 'soft' side out either, because Chuuya would just get angry with him. He was contradictory like that.

Later that evening it was announced it was about time the fireworks started, so Dazai found a quiet spot in the shadows where others wouldn't directly see them. The sight was good enough as well, they would be able to see most fireworks. Dazai remained quiet at first, silently waiting until the show would start, but patience was never his forte, so he ended up pulling Chuuya against him, lightly so, before placing a kiss on his temple. "Are you enjoying yourself?" He muttered against the red locks.

"Careful," came the warning from the boyfriend.

"Don't worry, no one can see us here."

Chuuya released a deep breath and gulped. "It's been fun, yeah."

"One more day and we'll have to go back."

"I don't want to think about that yet," came the honest confession.

"Really?" Dazai was surprised. "Don't you miss the normal life? Like school and the like?"

"Who misses school? I mean, sure, going back to everyone is nice and all, but this was nice as well." A small pout appeared, indicating Chuuya wasn't too happy about having to explain this.

"I wouldn't mind living like this, you know?" Dazai admitted then.

"Unfortunately, that isn't possible. We'll still have to work, and you'll still have to deal with shitheads." Life was hardly ever so merciful after all.

Dazai hummed, knowing Chuuya was right. School would be a lot different without Odasaku and he would've to do his exams properly this time. Not to mention Mori was still going to be a problem.

"But hey," Chuuya then caught his attention once more. "We're still rivals, right? We'll stay by each other's side."

A chuckle escaped Dazai. "Sure, you're still calling it that?"

"What else would you call it?"

"I don't know. I was starting to think of you as my wife," he joked while shrugging. "And that's not exactly a terrible thing."

Chuuya smacked him on the chest, albeit lightly so. "Ass," he mumbled. Then explosive sounds were heard and a collective 'ah' from the crowd further away was heard. Dazai and Chuuya turned to face the bright colors forming and disappearing one after another in the sky, but soon enough the brown haired male lost focus and ended up staring at Chuuya instead. The lights gave him a curious look between shadows dancing on his face and together with the lights it made him look beautiful. As if sensing it, Chuuya turned to face his boyfriend questioningly, wondering what was wrong before Dazai gave in to his impulses and leaned in to connect their lips.

Sure, things were far from favorable, and Dazai still disliked his life in general, but he knew he could at least and always count on Chuuya being there.

The redhead practically melted into the kiss and after they let go of each other to catch their breath, Dazai nuzzled their noses and lightly smiled, placing a small peck on his reddened lips.

"In that case, I want you to stay my rival or my wife, whatever suits you, for the rest of my life." Although he wasn't planning on living for long…. For now, however, he was fine with how things were.

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 **Until next time!**


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